Photos: Lions at DIA portend of the vast Illuminati conspiracy
Clever ruse, Bob Barker, but we know of your nefarious designs.
If there's one thing we've learned from Dan Brown, it's that, when the Illuminati get a vast conspiracy reaching to the very highest levels of the world's centers of power going on, they like to drop little hints about it. For example, they said Anubis, the ancient Egyptian jackal-headed god of death, was some kind of tie-in to the King Tut exhibit at the Denver Art Museum, but we knew better: What else could it really have been but a subtle indication that the government is running a secret extraterrestrial breeding experiment 33 1/3 floors below the Denver International Airport involving bizarre Masonic rituals and sinister agendas? Also, blood? Now, they're telling us the 25 lions that came through DIA yesterday were on their way to some sort of "rescue," but we're not so convinced.
The Lion's, officials said with shifty eyes and sweating brows, were "rescued" by an organization calling itself "Animal Defenders International" from animal circuses in Bolivia, where they suffered inhuman treatment and horrendous living conditions -- such circuses were recently banned in Bolivia. Now, officials say through their clenched, lying teeth, the lions are on their way to a place called "The Wild Animal Sanctuary" (more like "Future Concentration Camp for Dissenters," amiright?) in Keenesburg, Colorado.
But let's look at the facts: Like Anubis, lions are a representation of an ancient Egyptian god -- in this case, Sekhmet, the god of war and destruction (also, weirdly, of menstruation), also nicknamed by the ancient Egyptians "Lady Slaughter." Furthermore, the fact that exactly 25 of them arrived at DIA yesterday is also significant, given that Saint Augustine referred to 25 as the number of the law, and under Vatican tradition, every 25 years is a holy year. We're interpreting this to mean that the alien overlords will probably rain destruction on humanity and rule us under brutal penal law, that it'll probably happen around 2025 and that the Pope is in on it.
In any case, we sent photographer Kate Levy to investigate. She brings back these photos:
The plane transporting the Lions arrives, looking ominous.
Faceless government officials use cryptic hand-gestures to communicate with an unknown party.
This lion roars a warning. Actually, it was mostly just a roar, but it kind of sounded like "Lowenstein, Lowenstein..."
Bob Barker: Pawn of the Illuminati.
I Lion stares contemplatively out of its cage, longing for freedom. Much like we will be in the alien concentration camp.
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