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Photos: Top ten Christmas gifts from the Dollar Tree

Photos: Top ten Christmas gifts from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

10. An usually large man-eating ladybug.

Seriously -- it probably eats men. Not ladies, though, and it's worth mentioning that scaring the Wheetabix crap out of any elderly gardeners on your X-Mas list is well-worth the buck this costs.

Photos: Top ten Christmas gifts from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

9. Optically illusional drankin' glasses.

Screwing around with sauced-up relatives is sometimes the only real fun that Christmas affords us. So give a four-set of these to the hostess of your family holiday feast -- with any luck, your obnoxious aunt will stare so intently into the wavy lines that she'll fall down and break an ankle on the way to get a refill.

Photos: Top ten Christmas gifts from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

8. Acqua Di-oh-geez....

What reeks way worse than Acqua Di Gio (which smells like any dorm room a Sigma Epsilon has ever been in)? You guessed it -- the knockoff version, which actually smells like the bottom of a janitorial bucket.

Photos: Top ten Christmas gifts from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

7. One of the greatest movies ever made.

Jessica Simpson's acting makes Jessica Alba's look like Katherine Hepburn's, and in case you were wondering why this movie would only cost $1, then assume whatever you are thinking is true and give this to anyone who's ever poked you more than once on Facebook.

Photos: Top ten Christmas gifts from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

6. Johnny Depp's not a pirate and not in a Tim Burton film?

That paradox alone is mind-blowing, but this movie with all of its debauched sex, phallic symbolism and graphic depictions of death by syphilis would make the perfect gift for your youth pastor. Make sure he doesn't already own it first, though.

Photos: Top ten Christmas gifts from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

5. Who is this fucking guy?

Charles Grodin wrote a book about himself, maybe to let people know he was in a couple of movies after the Great Muppet Caper, and you only have to spend one whole dollar to make some lucky giftee find out which ones. A money-saving tip: Check out the Kindle version, which probably costs 43 cents.

Photos: Top ten Christmas gifts from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

4. Mermaid or barmaid?

With tousled and obviously fake blonde hair, lady-parts barely covered and a vacuous look in her eyes, this doll would make a fine gift for some little girl, and prove to her that no matter how sad-sack slutty you look, somebody will spend money on you.

Photos: Top ten Christmas gifts from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

3. Super-heroes you can sympathize with.

These poor little ninjas are a prime example of what prolonged steroid use will do to the body: lumpy legs, sacks the size of Craisins, and teeny little masks to hide the pain. Tell the kids they're Mickey Rourke dolls, but don't tell them anything else.

Photos: Top ten Christmas gifts from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

2. What goth is this?

You have a have a goth friend who needs a gift, and this stately statuette bears a striking resemblance to Russell Brand, only with better teeth and more acting talent. A real goth would like this bust, and although that term is subjective, real goths also buy expensive cigarettes to match their outfits and spell "vampire" with a "y."

Photos: Top ten Christmas gifts from the Dollar Tree
J. Wohletz

1. Jesus Christ! This is a great gift idea.

Since Jesus is the reason for the season, these gift packs are a holy trinity of fun and games: Moses memory match, bible heroes (probably heavy on the Cain, Saul, Potipher's wife and Judas) and bible trivia cards. Nothing will warm the charcoal hearts of your friendly neighborhood heathens like giving them gifts to reinforce the moral superiority of Christianity.

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