It's already well established that I am a winner. Recall, if you will, my awe-inspiring victory in September, when I definitively established my dominance as the strongest, fastest and most virile man in a skirt at the Running of The Gays. Now imagine what I could do with my fire-breathing fists, because tomorrow, like Charlie Sheen, I intend to double my victories and become bi-winning at the Denver Nationals Championship Arm-Wrestling at the Bannock Street Garage. Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen: You just got two free tickets to the fucking gun show.
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I'll perform my first amazing feats of strength in the first of two qualifying rounds tomorrow night starting at 8 p.m., and if all goes well (and you can tell it will because I have an awesome mustache) I will vanquish my remaining foes at the championship rounds on April 2 to emerge, with my shapely pectoral muscles glistening from the exertion, the victor. With regard to the treatment for my various injuries, I expect to need only a Band-Aid, because I am cut.
In the unlikely case that you possess testicles steely enough to go arm-to-arm against me, the entry fee to compete is $20 -- but it's free to spectate, ladies, so feel free to come on down. And if you can't make it, tune into Show & Tell's Twitter feed, where I'll be documenting the whole thing live.
In the meantime, do me a favor and call a veterinarian -- these pythons are fucking sick.