Prepare for defeat at the Denver Nationals Championship Arm-Wrestling, courtesy of me
Besides doing this for training, I also ate a shitload of steaks.
It's already well established that I am a winner. Recall, if you will, my awe-inspiring victory in September, when I definitively established my dominance as the strongest, fastest and most virile man in a skirt at the Running of The Gays. Now imagine what I could do with my fire-breathing fists, because tomorrow, like Charlie Sheen, I intend to double my victories and become bi-winning at the Denver Nationals Championship Arm-Wrestling at the Bannock Street Garage. Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen: You just got two free tickets to the fucking gun show.
I'll perform my first amazing feats of strength in the first of two qualifying rounds tomorrow night starting at 8 p.m., and if all goes well (and you can tell it will because I have an awesome mustache) I will vanquish my remaining foes at the championship rounds on April 2 to emerge, with my shapely pectoral muscles glistening from the exertion, the victor. With regard to the treatment for my various injuries, I expect to need only a Band-Aid, because I am cut.
In the unlikely case that you possess testicles steely enough to go arm-to-arm against me, the entry fee to compete is $20 -- but it's free to spectate, ladies, so feel free to come on down. And if you can't make it, tune into Show & Tell's Twitter feed, where I'll be documenting the whole thing live.
In the meantime, do me a favor and call a veterinarian -- these pythons are fucking sick.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Denver, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.