Prince vs. Prince Harry: Both came to Colorado, but which monarch gets the crown?
His royal highness, Prince.
His Royal Highness Prince Harry spent the day on Sunday enjoying the Colorado scenery -- and hopefully some of our best weed -- while the Prince of Purple played two of his four shows at the Ogden with his new band 3rd Eye Girl (he plays two more tonight). And while the two princes probably won't meet up to party together like it was 1999 -- or, in Harry's case, like it was 1899, since he is supposed to be on his best behavior after his recent, well-memed ass-capades in Las Vegas. Of these two princes visiting our fair state of Colorado, which one deserves a crown more? Here's our comparison.
His Royal Highness, Prince Harry.
Prince Harry has been royalty since 1984
Prince Harry was born famous on September 15, 1984, the second son of Prince Charles and Princess Diana, which got him immediate silver spoonage and VIP treatment at his ritzy christening by the Archbishop of Canterbury at St. George's Chapel, Windsor. Handsome, popular and adored, his freckled royal buttocks are kissed -- or bared -- all over the world as he is wined and dined in style. Even when he does stupid shit, like dress up like Hitler, he is still adored and fawned over, possibly because he is a ginger, but most definitely because his blood is bluer than windshield-wiper fluid.
Prince has been royalty since 1982
Prince and his band the Revolution released "1999" in 1982, and Prince's signature sound fusion of funk, dance and rock along with his sexually explicit lyrics pocket-rocketed him to superstardom, and when Purple Rain the movie and the soundtrack album came out in 1984, Prince was certified, bona fide rock-star-level royalty -- and there are people to this day who don't know whether to approach him on bended knee or just throw themselves at his dainty, high-heeled feet.
Winner: I'd call this one a tie.
The clothes..the hair...the music...the batshit...
Prince has religion
Like all popular big-name celebs here in the States, Prince had a crazy religious conversion, and in 2001 he became a Jehovah's Witness, going to meetings and actually knocking on people's doors to try to convert them. But as appealing as it might seem to have Prince show up on your doorstep, Jehovah's Witnesses are down-and-out nuttier than a giant swimming pool filled with pecans. Still, his beliefs somehow made him even more interesting and exotic, rather than an irritating bore.
Prince Harry has religion as well
Prince Harry inherited his mother's million-dollar smile, his father's cup-handle ears -- poor guy -- and an inclination toward the Church of England that was started by his Tudor ancestors under some less-then-pure circumstances including adultery and hundreds of years' worth of Catholic scandals and fuckups. Although Harry hasn't appeared to be a particularly pious person, what's interesting about his Protestantism is that because he is royalty and third in the line of succession to the throne, he is literally required to be a member of the Church of England, and if he ever decided to convert to some other religion on a whim, he'd have his entire country up his ass in a bad way -- and could lose his place in line to do what passes for ruling Britain.
Winner: Prince totally gets this one.
Prince Harry--in uniform--dreamy!
Prince has a wardrobe fit for a king
One of the things that Prince fans love most about him is his wardrobe: He gets away with wearing things that Cher would balk at. His heels and collars are high, his blouses billow, and he single-handedly made satin sexy. Oh, and his lacy, racy, pirate-cuffed outfits helped define 1980s fashion and made hawtie pirates cool long before Johnny Depp brought that shit out. Is there anyone else alive right now who could pull off a purple velvet coat with gold accents? No, there really isn't.
Prince Harry is a man in uniform
Prince Harry entered the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst in 2005, where he was known as Officer Cadet Wales -- awesome -- and was promoted to lieutenant in 2008 and learned to fly military helicopters. He is now a part of the Blues and Royals Army Air Corps, and he gets props for his service to his country and his general badassery -- and he looks damn fine in his uniforms, dress or otherwise. In fact, Harry makes his Burberry-sporting contemporaries look like chumps and probably needs a manservant following him around, swatting off British bimbos like buck-toothed mosquitoes.
Winner: Sorry, Prince, but Harry gets this one.
Prince Harry is the prince of pop culture
With Prince Harry's royal birthright comes many bonuses, like free carriage rides, luxury accommodations at Buckingham Palace, and camera-wielding paparazzi chasing him like he is the last steak dinner in a famine. What he wears, what he eats, what he drinks, who he hangs with and what he does are the subjects of newspapers, magazines, shows on the telly, and even the occasional police report. It's probably pretty weird and aggravating to have this kind of power over the popular culture of multiple continents -- the poor jack can't take a royal dump without a camera being hidden in his royal privy -- but that popularity is occasionally used for the forces of good. So, when HRH lends his name and image to charitable causes (such as bringing attention to wounded American and British troops with the Warrior Games in Colorado Springs this last week), his royal fame can translate into useful charity dollars.
Prince is the prince of pop music
Prince's music is so remarkable that even people who don't dig his threads, his religion, his strange and enigmatic attempts at politickin' or his ridiculous public hissy fits will still hold up a lighter when "Purple Rain" comes on the radio, or drunkenly blurt out the lyrics to "Little Red Corvette" on karaoke night at the local dive. Sure, he's had a few misses, but his hits are so standard that it makes it easy to forget that Prince is batshit crazy and just focus on his creativity, insanely delicious stage performances, and that neato way he uses numbers to mean letters sometimes.
Winner: Hmmm....it's a tie, one that can only be broken based on the next nutter thing that either Prince or Prince Harry does. Even money on Prince proclaiming he is a deity, and Harry leaving a hotel room wearing nothing but a tea bag tied around his Jolly Roger.
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