A mustache is like the modern-day equivalent of Samson's hair: a source of almost superhuman potency for all who wear it. (Also, both are made of hair.) That said, the fact that only men and certain particularly virile women are capable of mustache wearage puts pretty much everything else at a giant disadvantage. For at least one segment of objects in general, though, that's changing. Now, there's a revolutionary product called Carstache™, the mustache for your car, which, besides adding incalculable style to your whip, will also double its horsepower, improve its gas mileage and turn its engine into a throbbing erection.
The product is the brainchild of marketing genius Ethan Eyler, who suddenly realized one day that "no one had yet made automotive facial hair." Seeing a major market segment unoccupied, Eyler put his sister's kids to work on a prototype and slapped it on his own car. "People just freaked out. Instant celebrity, for better for worse."
That was close to a year ago, and since then, Eyler has launched a multi-national product line of car mustaches in a variety of colors ("In Norway and Germany, we've sold the most blonde ones," he notes. "That is not even a joke.") and sold untold thousands of the things -- and there's more to come. "We have a model coming out that's based on the American flag; we call that the Glory Stache," he says. And in three weeks, he plans to launch Bikestache, which is pretty much the same thing, except, you know, for bikes.
"It's admittedly stupid," Eyler admits. "But it's just for a laugh. A lot of times people just use it on a holiday or for special events -- it's really big at tailgates. Our tagline is, if you drive into a tailgate with a Carstache, you get free beer, hot dogs and high-fives. And it basically comes down to that; there's just something about it that makes people comfortable with smiling and waving at you and giving you a thumbs up and coming up to on the street and telling you you're cool. And once in a while, you get looks of disapproval and disgust," he acknowledges. "Some people just don't get it."
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Haters gonna hate, but for everyone else, Carstache sells for an affordable $39; you can find them at Urban Outfitters locations or online. Procure one in time for the Denver Auto Show, starting today at 6 p.m. and continuing through the weekend. And remember: Loose lips sink ships, but mustachioed lips rescue babies from fires, win wars and pretty just have like a mind-boggling amount of sex. Which will you choose?
Mustachioed or not, you can win free tix to the Auto Show, courtesy of us, by sharing your memories of your first car with us in this week's comment contest.