Ullr Fest parade in Breckenridge.
Ullr Fest parade in Breckenridge.

Sacrificial Virgins Needed: Time to reach out to Ullr for some snow

Alright. I know it's probably hard for people to grasp this concept, but just because it's ass-kicking cold doesn't mean we're getting a lot of snow. The mountains are getting an inch here and there, but to quote Calvin, "Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery."

Seems someone wasn't specific enough with their prayers. They asked for winter instead of snow. We don't need frozen-digits cold for weeks; we need blizzards. To be more specific, we need a couple good blizzards to hit about 90 miles west of Denver.

So I think the time has come for a sacrifice. Yes, it's time to appease Ullr.

Who is Ullr? His identity is a little bit contradictory. Ullr is a minor deity in the Norse pantheon of gods. He is variously credited as being the god of dueling, justice, and agriculture. He also had some relation to hunting, and is adept with the bow.

Every year in January, Breckenridge celebrates Ullr as the god of snow, hosting an extravagant parade. Ullr is probably not the god of snow, but of skiing. Many early depictions show Ullr on primitive skis, aiming his bow.

Regardless of whether he is the god of skiing or of snow, clearly we need Ullr's intervention. I'm getting tired of running laps bombing down the same runs at the resorts. We need a couple of good blizzards up there, and clearly Ullr has been confused, because we got cold, not precip.

The Denver Police Department would, however, probably frown on sacrificial virgins, and we probably couldn't find any hot young guys who would willingly admit to virginity anyway. Maybe what we need to do is burn some old skis and snowboards in offering while pouring a libation of mead out onto the snow.

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