Spiderman the musical and other things Bono can't save

Spiderman: Much better at saving the world than Bono.
Spiderman: Much better at saving the world than Bono.

Bono recently took time out of his busy touring schedule to save his investment opportunity, Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark -- a Broadway musical boasting tunes written by the investor himself, daredevil scenes of amazing acrobatics and, according to a November New York Times interview, "wows from the soul and heart."

Surprisingly for Bono, but perhaps not for anyone else, the musical is failing. The $65 million production is running months behind schedule and plagued with technical difficulties, and there is probably nothing that's going to save it. That's nothing new, however. Just chalk one more up on an elite list of shit Bono, his tight leather jeans, and his good intentions just can't save.

5. AIDS Remember AIDS? Of course you do. Because despite Bono's heroic attempt to make saving the world "sexy" by working with popular retailers like GAP and Abercrombie & Fitch to offer RED clothing -- clothing featuring the charity's logo that sold for fifty percent profit and fifty percent charity proceeds -- AIDS still exists. Apparently, no amount of looking sexy in red shirts or wearing Matrix-esque sunglasses was going to save the world from AIDS.

4. Poverty Bono tried to end poverty by cofounding ONE, yet another three-letter charity organization devoted to selling sexy clothing and featuring star-studded advertising. The premise behind ONE? According to the charity's website, "we're not asking for your money, we're asking for your voice." Whatever good that's supposed to do. While it might be unclear what you can do to help ONE end poverty, it's clear that the charity seems to be helping themselves more, according to reports accusing ONE of giving less than one percent of their own proceeds to the starving.

Still not saved.
Still not saved.

3. Africa Why stop at saving the world from a measly virus or something as simple as not eating when you could step it up and save an entire continent? That's exactly what Bono tried to do when he focused his charity career on his favorite struggling continent: Africa. And despite group celebrity concerts like Live Aid (featuring the famed single, "Do They Know It's Christmas?"), Band Aid, and Live 8, Africa still exists in turmoil -- full of AIDS, poverty and the tragedy of not knowing it was recently Christmas.

2. Ireland On Christmas Eve, 2009, Bono surprised the citizens of Dublin by joining Damien Rice, Mundy and Glen Hansard in giving an impromptu one-hour concert to benefit the homeless of Ireland. No specifics were given concerning how a one-hour street concert raised any money at all, but either way, the homeless in Ireland joined the unemployed and uneducated in Ireland as people Bono couldn't save.

1. Miss Sarajevo Bono's song, Miss Sarajevo, tells the story of a beauty queen in Sarajevo, who tours the war-torn country to win her crown. In 1997, Bono decided to perform the song in Italy with Pavarotti to raise awareness and make a bold point concerning the humanitarian struggles of Bosnia. He even invited Inela Nogic, the real-life Miss Sarajevo. But he couldn't perform the song. Because he had a sore throat.

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