MORE

Ten effective ways to fake an orgasm (NSFW)

Fake it 'til you make it.
Fake it 'til you make it.

I love that we live in a country that's sexually open enough -- not as much as some European countries, but that's another list for another time -- to allow for public education on how to have and give orgasms. Denverites, you have an upcoming class available at Anythink Library Wright Farms: The aptly named "Orgasm...I want it...Where do I find it?...How do I get it?" lasts from 6 to 8 p.m. on January 22.

Yes, there is a class for that, and if there isn't an app for that, I'm sure there will be soon. But just as valuable, I think, would be a class to teach people how to effectively fake orgasms, for all those annoying times when you need to pretend to get off quick, fast and in a hurry: so you can get back to work, kick somebody out of your apartment and pretend you'll call them; so you can keep your partner/spouse from feeling like a loser in the sack; and my favorite reason, the sexual version of charity, to spend time with some poor dingus you met on Craigslist casual encounters -- and then instantly regret.

For your pleasure, here's a list of ten fantastic and effective ways to fake an orgasm -- for both men and women. No class needed, but you can still send me your money.

See also: - Orgasm...I want it...Where do I find it? - "Colorado" = orgasms and 10 nice/mean Urban Dictionary definitions - Orgasmic meditation, BDSM classes at Bedroom event not educational enough for Lakewood PD?

10. Talk, talk, noise, noise Making noises and talking -- either of these will help you plant a fake-out orgasm, and both at once will help you out even more. Many partners use hearing certain noises or certain phrases to determine where they are at with getting you off. Start off soft, keep getting steadily louder and choppier, give a decent moan/scream, and get quiet again instantly. That'll do the trick, and if you are a talker, when the time comes -- or doesn't come, rather -- all you have to do is repeat the phrase, "I'm almost there -- I'm gonna come" for a few minutes, followed by a resounding "I'M COMING!!!." If your erstwhile partner is really boring the grapefruits out of you, you can also try the talk/noise combination -- the "toise" -- which sounds something like, "I'm comingahhhheeeeeEEEEEEKWAHWAHWAAAAAH!" Bonus points if you throw a couple of swear words in there as well.

9. In a nutshell... First and foremost, gentlemen, you really should wear a condom to make your fakers convincing. A female/male not getting a starfish-trail full of man-mayo is a dead giveaway that you did not orgasm, so make sure you wrap your turkey-jerker. And after the dastardly deed is done, go to the bathroom to "clean up." Make sure you hock some spit into the rubber; then take it back into the bedroom to show off, and say something like "Wow -- that's a BIG load!."

8. No Shakes-spearing Faking an orgasm should not ever be attempted by overacting, and if you don't have a frame of reference, picture anything Mel Gibson has done on or off-screen since around Lethal Weapon 2. Keep your acting simple -- like wheat bran cereal commercial-acting simple, with traditionally accepted body movements and utterances. Keep it slow and quiet at first, but build momentum, and end with a reasonable bang, not a soundtrack to the fall of the house of Atreus.

Seriously -- if you act like Daniel Tosh on a meth binge, you are not only going to give yourself away, but you will likely end up feeling douchey, dehydrated and unfulfilled, which is about the lowest trifecta of post-fuck feelers you can have.

7. Don't be a deviant In order to effectively fake the best part of sex, do your follow-up properly, and make sure you do not deviate from your usual post-coital routine. If after you legitimately come you usually cuddle, spoon, watch The Daily Show, order a spicy Hawaiian pizza or dig through your pants for a fake business card with your fake name on it, then make sure you do these things after a fake orgasm. Especially if your partner is a woman, because women have magical powers given to them by demons from the depths of hell, and they can immediately tell if something is amiss after playing a rousing game of pee-pee-pounders.

Continue reading for more pointers.

 

Nope.
Nope.

6. The buck starts here Physical movement is also something that must be employed in order to drop the faker undetected. Do the old "gasp-and-hip-buck" move a few times, and then do it harder and louder right before you thrown down a faker. This seems easy-peasy because it is, and if your partner knows you pretty well, you will bust yourself trying to make your fake reaction too complicated. If you don't know your partner very well, you should still go through the motions, because that's probably what they are expecting. And if you can't do the simple things you need to do in order to properly fake a climax, then you might get stuck continuing the farce way longer than you want to. Ten minutes is like fourteen straight hours in lousy-lay time.

5. Faces of evil It's easier to fake an orgasm when you aren't fucking face-to-face, so try doggy-style or any position where she/he cannot see your face. Unless you usually have the wherewithal to check out your own O-face in the mirror when you come, then you likely have no fucking clue what it looks like, so in order to keep the orgasm-charade going, you don't want your partner all up in your face to notice that the fake expression looks nothing like the real one.

Fortunately, one-nighters with no chance of repeat business will render this tip non-applicable, but you might want to use it as a practice run for when you get married.

4. Sexercise It's all about the muscle spasms. These can make or break a fake, and if you've been keeping up on your Kegel exercises, ladies, this will be both shockingly easy and startlingly believable to your partner. Start off slowly tensing up your entire body, tense up your yammie, and release them both while tensing up quickly and rhythmically for a few seconds. Then relax your body, but keep doing short, quick Kegels. This will mock your pickle-grabber's natural orgasm response in a fairly convincing way, if you have something inserted in it like fingers, a penis, a fist, an elbow. (No judging here.)

3. Yoga bare Controlled breathing is a key strategy in some sports, and bed-sport is no exception. Start out breathing normally, and gradually move to short, shallow breaths. Then start shorter, shallower, ragged-sounding breaths, and for the big non-finale, hold your breath for a second and audibly exhale. This also serves as a good opportunity to practice yoga breathing, since you aren't getting a chance to take full advantage of any badass yoga positions.

Continue reading for more pointers.

 

This is getting better...
This is getting better...

2. Fanta-seize One of the most effective ways to fake an orgasm is to spend the duration of your mattress-mashing with someone who isn't doing it for you by thinking about someone who does do it for you -- and then mimick those sensational fantasy feelings and reactions accordingly. Or as I refer to it, "masturbate with someone else." Think about Ryan Reynolds, Scarlett Johansson, Justin Bieber, or if you are me, The Kurgen from the first Highlander movie or any of the bad guys from any of the Crow movies. Hell, if you luck out using this strategy, you might actually have a real orgasm, which would be pretty fucking beautiful.

1. Say it when you don't spray it Ladies and gentlemen, never underestimate the power of suggestion, or the power for some people to believe any sort of bullshit that they are told. Research suggests that the majority of people can't tell a fake climax from a real one (OkCupid is proof enough of that), so telling your partner that you just came, liberally peppered with compliments to them about how great it was, is usually enough to convince them that they are sexy sex gods, and you are a grateful supplicant breathing heavily at the altar of their super-skills.

Yes, this is pretty sad when you really think about it, and no one should have to fake an orgasm, but chances are the people you are faking orgasms with aren't worth the time to teach them how to do it right. So screw the guilt, and pony up the cab fare, so you can at least spend the rest of your morning/afternoon/evening doing something fun -- like jerking off and having an actual orgasm.



Sponsor Content