If the Interwebs are to be believed, Josh Allen may just be the funniest wordsmith Denver has to offer. His 40,000-follower Twitter feed @fireland has been named among the best by the likes of the New York Times, the Washington Post, Gawker and Boing Boing, thanks to his 140-word gems like "It's so amazing to look into your child's eyes and see the homeless guy your wife slept with looking back, all crazy and gross." Now, to up the web-hilarity ante, he's launched a new online project: Ten Sexy Ladies, wherein he plans to rate "everything ever" using a scale of one to ten... sexy ladies, that is.
While Mr. Allen has a ways to go until he rates everything ever, he's off to a good start, having already rated many of the most important things ever. Such as "The Automatic Gas Station Car Wash":
Just got a killer car wash, dudes. It's global warm up in this mug today so I figured I'd treat the Corolla to the deluxe, throwing down six bills that I had in my velcro wallet because I'm basically rich as hell. I got the tri-color foam action, bottom blaster, straight up Rain-X®, the works. Only the best. I don't give a fuck.
I got a little nervous when the brushes thudded against my windshield because my windshield has a huge crack in it because I like my windshields like I like my women I apologize for that let's pretend it never happened. Anyway I was sitting there eating my gas station taco, just being me, and it occurred to me that those brushes might smash the window and then slap my face and fill the car with soapy water and I'd have to sit there in my wet, glass-covered underwear (pants off when going through a car wash, that's a rule) and just take it and then get two more rounds of crazy spraying and then get sealant shot in my eyes and then have the big blowers blow me. Not sure why this got super gay all of a sudden.
But you'll be relieved to hear the windshield hung in there like a champ and my Hanes Tagless Hi-Cut 100% Cotton Panties -- don't even judge, those things are like 1,200 thread count sheets for your junk -- were unsullied. I tore out of there feeling like I could punch a hole in the stupid face of the world.
That, notes Allen, was clearly worth EIGHT SEXY LADIES -- seven more than the one measly lady of sexy he's willing to give to "Pennies":
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I straight up do not have time for this shit. I'm not saying I'm so rich I don't need them in my life -- I mean I only have one microwave -- but I think we can all agree that pennies are the worst invention since the camera my mom secretly installed in the bathroom to monitor my masturbation frequency, or perhaps the resulting PowerPoint presentation given at my birthday party.
Anyway have you ever tasted a penny? Terrible. Roll a nickel around in your mouth and you feel like a goddamn cowboy out on the wide open plains chasing a tornado away with your mustache, but suck on a penny and you feel like an asshole kid who can't spell very good and struggles with the Slurpee dispenser.
PRO TIP: I know times are tough, but once a week take a couple pennies and just throw them away. And be showy about it! Take a handful from your car ashtray and fling them out into the street. The dull clatter against the pavement is the sound of decadent freedom.
Got chewed out by the boss? On your way out throw some pennies in the recycling bin. He'll be impressed with your lackadaisical approach to finance. This kid knows something I don't, he'll think later that night as he pays a woman to take a straight razor to his neck hair, slowly, so slowly, the only time he ever really feels anything.
So there you have it. The beginnings of a noble experiment to quantify the entire world in sexy ladies, something we're pretty sure is already the official currency of Qatar. Without reservation, we give the endeavor NINE SEXY LADIES. And, just so you know, that's a lot of sexy ladies.