So the Broncos missed the playoffs, and to add insult to injury, the Patriots (and Denver personae non gratae Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and roster-destroyer Josh McDaniels) are favored to win it. That means that as a Denver fan, you’re probably not all that jazzed about the Super Bowl this coming Sunday. Sure, you feel a responsibility to watch: It’s the Super Bowl, and you’re no fair-weather fan. But still…it’s gonna be tough.
In the spirit of still showing up for the Super Bowl and its related festivities, here’s a list of ideas that could help get you through the day — and after that, you can consider this last season just a bad memory. Here’s to muddling through!
10. Tostitos Party Bag
A bag of chips that can tell if you’ve been drinking — and when you’ve had too much, it can even call you an Uber? This is sort of awesome and sort of terrifying at the same time. At the very least, it’s a brave new world of partying, Super Bowl-style. So drink up: Your snacks will take care of the rest.
9. Edibles Party Tray
As in: pot-infused goodies. No, you can’t eat much, but enjoy a couple over the course of the pre-game, and by the time you see kickoff, you probably won’t care that there’s a game on, let alone who’s playing or who wins. Of course, if you eat too much, you might get paranoid and start to worry that Tom Brady will secretly deflate you, so remember: All things in moderation.
8. Just Watch for the Commercials
You know how with most shows, you get a little behind on your DVR so you can fast-forward through the ads? Considering the impressive loads of cash spent on a Super Bowl ad (just over $5 million for a thirty-second spot), you might as well do the opposite: watch the breaks, race through the game. Face it: You don’t care about this game nearly as much as you care about talking about how awesome/awful the commercials were when you’re back at work Monday.
7. Wait Patiently for Lady Gaga’s Halftime Show
Seriously, could there be a more perfect marriage of two forms of entertainment than pro football and Lady Gaga? We’ve all seen the NFL crowds with their meat dresses; it’s about time that the league capitalized on this synergy.
6. Play a Josh McDaniels Drinking Game
Whenever it looks like McDaniels is sending secret signals (to the Patriots in the booth, or maybe to the 49ers as a mark of loyalty for the potential coaching gig), take a drink. Yes, you’ll be drunk before halftime, because good ol’ Joshie tends to look like he’s selling state secrets even when he’s ordering a pizza. Here’s hoping you have a Tostitos bag handy.
Keep reading for more ways to survive the Super Bowl.
5. Avoid Boston-Themed Bars
It’s a good thing we don’t have one of those old airport-Cheers bars, but Denver does have its share of New England-friendly taverns. We’ll refrain from listing them here out of respect for how good they are to have in town the other 51 Sundays out of the year…but on Super Bowl Sunday, unless you’re a Pats fan, you should steer clear. Might we suggest an Atlanta-friendly bar for those Patriot-haters in town? Georgia Boys BBQ up in Frederick has Super Bowl specials running that are worth the drive. Good ribs, cold beer and no Tom Brady? Delicious.
4. Work on Your Broncos Draft Predictions
No, the orange and blue won’t be on the field, but you shouldn't forget the home team. Download some expert predictions, check out the records of the players coming up, and start making your charts. By the time late April comes around, you’ll not only be ready — you’ll be an expert. And you will have spent your Super Bowl Sunday in more productive ways than just not rooting for the Patriots.
3. Focus on the Performances of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman
Joe Buck is a fine announcer, perhaps best loved for not being Phil Simms. Buck and analyst Troy Aikman will call a workmanlike game, but if we can digitally re-create Peter Cushing for the Star Wars movies, is it too much to ask for the NFL to pony up the cash to bring John Madden out of retirement and Pat Summerall back from the great beyond?
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2. Valium Nachos
Chips, cheese sauce, refried beans, your choice of ground meats, guacamole, sour cream, shredded jalapeño cheese, hot diced green chiles, black olives, chopped tomatoes, green onions…and a nearly invisible sprinkle of pulverized Prozac so that the game just doesn’t…seem…that…important…after…all.
1. Just Don’t Watch
Head outside and toss the pigskin with your friends, your dad or your kids. Make a day of it. There’s always next year for football, so make your own memories today. You can watch the nightly news when the day is done and find out who won, so you’ll be up to date…and your reaction, as a Denver Broncos fan, is going to be the same whether or not you watch the whole game religiously or just catch the highlights later: a noncommittal shrug.