If religion is the opiate of the masses, as Karl Marx once observed, then sports are, like, the meth of the masses... or something. Whatever. The point is that mainstream sports -- or "borts," as we like to call them ("boring" + "sports") -- like football and baseball are for plebeian douchebags and bros who lack the imagination to think outside the something that's not a box because that's unoriginal too in search of something to do. You know, as long as that something is declared acceptable by a non-mainstream authority. Luckily, we at Westword are, in a strictly self-proclaimed fashion, such an authority, and so here it is: Your definitive guide to all sports nostalgic, ironic and otherwise obscure enough to impress your elitist friends, who have probably never even heard of them.
Layout and words by Jay Vollmar and Jef Otte. Illustrations by Noah Van Sciver.