Everyone's had their ass kicked at some point, whether in a Final Four pool or in a fantasy league, by the girl who couldn't care less about whatever sport the betting relates to and instead picks winners based on team colors, mascots or how her hair would look in the home state of the team, according to average humidity. And now that the NFL lockout is over and fantasy mania can begin, I'm jumping on that bandwagon: I'm picking my fantasy team, The Pig Skin Roasters, based on hotness.
Not hot? Well, then you're not on my team. Because after ten years of losing at Yahoo! Fantasy Football picking players based on stats and predictors, it's on like Donkey Kong -- at the hand of the following hotties:
Coach (Mike Tomlin, Pittsburg Steelers) You don't need a coach in fantasy football, but eff that, because Mike Tomlin is by far the hottest coach in the NFL. He looks like Omar Epps and he wins Superbowls. Swooning occurs anytime he's on screen. Just write him into a useless position, like third string safety, because Tomlin's good looks alone are going to be what wins this year's fantasy run.
Quarterback (Donovan McNabb, Minnesota Vikings) Women like underdogs because underdogs won't leave you when you're pregnant with their first-born child, like Tom Brady left Bridget Moynahan. They also won't maybe rape you, like Ben Roethlisberger. McNabb keeps his character and integrity intact, on and off the field, which is why he's one of the most respected players in the NFL, and therefore -- based on basic "what makes men hot" qualities -- the hottest quarterback.
Running Back (Reggie Bush, New Orleans Saints) Men are hotter if they've dated hot women: fact. Women like to feel like they're hotter than your last girlfriend, but they want to feel good about the comparison, not like they've won the smartest kid with down syndrome contest. If your girlfriend is hot, you're hot. Kim Kardashian, according to every male on the planet, has the hottest ass in the world. Therefore, Reggie Bush has the hottest ass in the NFL because he dated her. Convoluted? Shallow? Based on nothing but assumption? Yes. But that's how we're winning fantasy football this year.
Cornerback (Champ Bailey, Denver Broncos) You have to represent Denver on your fantasy team, but you don't want to put Tim Tebow on your team because he's an uninteresting religious zealot? Champ Bailey. He's hot, he's incredibly good at his job and he's loyal to the Broncos. Plus, I'm pretty sure one could have a decent conversation with Bailey, and as sure as I am about that, I'm also sure a conversation wiith Tebow can't exist. Therefore, Bailey trumps Tebow.
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Linebacker (Jon Vilma, New Orleans Saints) When thinking of linebackers, most people think of men who outweigh a Mack truck, are two IQ points short of losing a battle of the wits with a shoe and have necks that look like bulldog butts. Then there's Jon Vilma. He's genuinely hot. Not "settling for this because he's the best of the worst" hot, really hot. And he's a great linebacker.
Based on looks alone, my Yahoo! Fantasy Football league is going down to Chinatown. Finally.