The taste is sweet: How I crushed Andrew Orvedahl with badassery and reason
Eggs Benedict is a notoriously hard dish to pull off. I wasn't even intimidated, though, when my girlfriend told me that's what she wanted for breakfast -- even though I had never made it before, I'm basically like the King Midas of victory, and I made that Eggs Benedict, and it was fucking delicious. I fucking killed it on that Eggs Benedict. Then I ate roughly 35 steaks in preparation for my debate with Andrew Orvedahl at Arguments & Grievances last night at the Vine Street Pub, where we had been called upon as men to defend our competing positions on attachment parenting: Orvedahl is for it, I'm against. The stakes were high, and obviously, Andrew Orvedahl did not eat enough steaks.
I was at both an advantage and a disadvantage going in. The disadvantage: Turns out Arguments & Grievances isn't a real debate -- it's a comedy debate featuring an assortment of our great city's finest comedians. Aside from Orvedahl, there was Nathan Lund, Ben Kronberg, former Westword writer Adam Cayton-Holland and Kevin O'Brien, the host, among many, many others whose names are worthy of mention but I just got tired of naming them right now. And unlike those esteemed gentlemen, I'm not a comedian. In fact, I'm pretty much as serious as a gun. The last time I said something in jest, as I recall, was back in '88, when I told someone I was considering voting for Dukakis and then laughed for seventeen hours straight. Clearly, my jokes are too hilarious to be unleashed on the general public. Last night, however, I had no option but to unleash them.
It wasn't that Orvedahl's not funny. He's funny as hell -- Westword MasterMind funny, actually, which is no small feat. He brought some good jokes, and he put up a good fight, but ultimately, I was forced to crush him like I might crush a used packet of gum. To the spoils went the victor, and man, were there ever spoils. A shitload of spoils. But don't take my word for it. Here's the video evidence:
In his defense, Orvedahl had this to say: "Congrats to Jef on his big win at the debate! Or more accurately, congrats to the thirty friends he brought to applaud him through his narrow escape! I'll rematch you anytime, anywhere!" Andrew, I accept your challenge, but do not cry. Dry your tears, my friend. Greater men have fallen to my awesomely potent competitive spirit. There is no shame in losing to Jef Otte. JK, there's some shame.
Nevertheless, I cannot claim this victory for myself alone. Nay, I must claim it, my friends, for reason.
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