We all do these things. Maybe not everything on the list every time, but what's the use of having relatives that we visit if we can't rifle through their crap, steal their personal hygiene items and exploit their imperfections to feel better about ourselves? Making them embarrassed and miserable by telling everyone that they buy Toaster Pastries instead of Pop-Tarts just adds to the spirit of the holidays -- and family.
If you can check off ten or more things on the following list of twenty, then congratulations -- you are the person that your family has to convince themselves to invite over every year.
20. Go through their medicine cabinets. They just might have some Oxycontin to steal, some depilatory cream to use on their cat just for fun, and bonus if they have any Valtrex to blackmail them about later when money is tight.
19. Perfume theft. Juno made pilfering a squirt perfectly okay, and their expensive cologne is way more appealing than the usual cheap lilac body spray you got from Uncle Barry last year.
18. Check their toilet paper. One of the best indicators of affluence is how many ply your host's butt-paper is.
17. Make note of the laundry pile. Sure, you bum money off them, show up for meals unexpectedly and borrow their drill set with no intention of ever returning it, but at least you do your laundry in a timely manner.
16. Judge their toothbrushes. Yeah--that Hello Kitty spinbrush actually belongs to Uncle Barry.
15. Check the seat for juice and curlies. A spotlessly clean commode is a sign of a civilized household, and evidence of leakage and shedding only confirms that your relatives are filthy barbarians.
14. Make sure their comforter set is cheaper than yours. Peeping the bedding isn't weird, since you aren't really looking for porn....yet.
13. Look for porn. Okay, so if they keep their granny-tranny-midget -refried-bean -wrestling DVDs in such obvious spots like under the bed or in the nightstand table then they are basically inviting snoopers.
10. Be chintzy with the BYOB. So what if you bring Natty Light and drink their Remy Martin? They can afford to be hospitable.
9. Be chintzy with your potluck offerings. Succulent roast ham, mountains of mashed potatoes and a table full of freshly-baked pies await you at their houses. But no worries, meng--you got the bag of chips part covered.
6. Force your political beliefs off on everyone you can get to listen. Republicans, Democrats, who really gives a shit when you have a semi-captive audience to spout off your radical new immigration plan to? Nothing says "holidays with the family" like telling all your relations that they are backwards, idiotic, mush-brained dopes.
5. Force your religious beliefs off on everyone with impunity. The lawd Jaysus Chrast would want you to make sure you tell all your heathen kinfolk about the way, the truth and the light, especially while everyone is trying to eat their yam casseroles.
4. Be the "dirty fork" person. It should be your sworn duty to inform everyone at the dinner table that there is a chunk on your fork. It's a thankless job, but you get to do it--loudly and sanctimoniously.
3. Gossiping up a shitstorm. All your relatives really need and want to hear all about who is schnaggling who, who got caught, and who got an assault charge for handling it.
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2. Dinner comparisons. Sure, their cooking was good and all, and you ate your weight in green bean salad, but you gotta make sure to mention that the meal wasn't nearly as fantastic as yours was last year--or the year before that.
1. Be the freeloading leftover-snatcher. Although your holiday food is better there are no hard feelers on your part, so cramming coat pockets with cookies and hoisting away fat Styrofoam plates of the free eats sends a message of goodwill and holiday cheer.