Twenty f*cked up things people do at their relatives' house during the holidays
We all do these things. Maybe not everything on the list every time, but what's the use of having relatives that we visit if we can't rifle through their crap, steal their personal hygiene items and exploit their imperfections to feel better about ourselves? Making them embarrassed and miserable by telling everyone that they buy Toaster Pastries instead of Pop-Tarts just adds to the spirit of the holidays -- and family.
If you can check off ten or more things on the following list of twenty, then congratulations -- you are the person that your family has to convince themselves to invite over every year.
20. Go through their medicine cabinets. They just might have some Oxycontin to steal, some depilatory cream to use on their cat just for fun, and bonus if they have any Valtrex to blackmail them about later when money is tight.
19. Perfume theft. Juno made pilfering a squirt perfectly okay, and their expensive cologne is way more appealing than the usual cheap lilac body spray you got from Uncle Barry last year.
Burgos with: Ransteez, Giothevillan, Chicitychino
TicketsSat., Jan. 28, 8:00pm
Stand Up! the Workshop - Comedy Showcase
TicketsTue., Jan. 31, 7:00pm
TicketsThu., Feb. 2, 7:30pm
These Jokes Are for You (W/ Denver Comedy Champion Nathan Lund)
TicketsThu., Feb. 2, 8:00pm
Future Faces of Funny
TicketsWed., Feb. 8, 7:30pm
18. Check their toilet paper. One of the best indicators of affluence is how many ply your host's butt-paper is.
17. Make note of the laundry pile. Sure, you bum money off them, show up for meals unexpectedly and borrow their drill set with no intention of ever returning it, but at least you do your laundry in a timely manner.
16. Judge their toothbrushes. Yeah--that Hello Kitty spinbrush actually belongs to Uncle Barry.
15. Check the seat for juice and curlies. A spotlessly clean commode is a sign of a civilized household, and evidence of leakage and shedding only confirms that your relatives are filthy barbarians.
14. Make sure their comforter set is cheaper than yours. Peeping the bedding isn't weird, since you aren't really looking for porn....yet.
13. Look for porn. Okay, so if they keep their granny-tranny-midget -refried-bean -wrestling DVDs in such obvious spots like under the bed or in the nightstand table then they are basically inviting snoopers.
10. Be chintzy with the BYOB. So what if you bring Natty Light and drink their Remy Martin? They can afford to be hospitable.Next Page
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about upcoming performances, exhibitions, openings and special events happening in the Denver art and theater scene.