Vampirates: One man's journey into the world of crappy genre lit, part II

It always seemed to me that vampires must lead somewhat boring lives. Especially if it's summer, because nights are much shorter than days, and of course vampires can't be out in the sunlight, unless they're vampires from Twilight, in which case they apparently can if they apply glitter. I'm just saying: It kind of limits the mobility. And if you're a vampire that happens to live on a ship, like, say, a Vampirate, wouldn't you have to at least occasionally go outside during the day? These and other logical inconsistencies abounded in today's reading of Vampirates: Empire of Night, chapters one through four (Part I covered the prologue).

Like, for example, immortality. Let's say only sunlight or a stake through the heart can kill vampires, but they're immune to everything else. Okay. Given that, there's a serious inconsistency in chapter one, which opens with central vampire-figure Sidorio mourning the loss of his new vampire bride Lola (Nabokov reference? I'm, uh, I'm guessing not) to the hand of his son, Connor, who has decapitated her.

At the end of the chapter, she (surprise!) returns to life, which leads into a pretty weird scene featuring Sidorio reattaching her head and a narrative allusion to "vampire biology," but the point is, why is he mourning in the first place? Author Justin Somper makes a big deal of illustrating Sidorio's surprise, but if vampires are immortal, shouldn't he have expected it?

But let's be honest: We're not reading for the flawless logic; we're reading for the lulz. And lulz there are, aplenty. Let's have a look at my favorite paragraph from this week's selection:

Jacoby threw himself down the stairwell. As always, Connor was dazzled by his friend's athleticism, Sometimes, Jacoby's lithe and sinewy body seemed to have more in common with a panther than a human. Connor followed, not giving himself credit for the fact that he was every bit as athletic as his comrade.

A vaguely homoerotic metaphor involving panthers? Ham-fisted character exposition? Yes, please. Just for laughs, I also input this section of text into online text translator worldlingo.com, translated it to Polish and then translated it back to English. Here's what came out:

Jacoby threw himself down cages. As always, Connor was dazzled by its przyjacie s on the hleticism, and sometimes, Jacoby's lithe and body weight seemed to be more common with a panther than a man. Connor observed, not giving the credit to the fact that it was as little as in wood as its people.

It makes the action a little harder to absorb, but it is a whole lot funnier.

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