Was Pee-wee masturbating? You decide

Coming right off a bizarre yet somehow fitting appearance at Sturgis as his iconic alter-ego Pee-wee Herman, Paul Reubens recently sat down with Playboy and provided definitive evidence toward settling an age-old pop-culture query: Was he, or was he not, basting his own ham in that porno theater on that fateful day in 1991? According to the man himself (kind of obviously), no. Explaining that his attorneys advised him to plead no contest in order to avoid a further media debacle, Reubens made a compelling case for his innocence of the charge of "badgering the witness."

Here's what he had to say in his own defense: "Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her nondominant hand. I'm right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn't have been me."

A case of mistaken wiener identity? We want you, dear reader, to weigh in -- because after 20 years, we've finally gotten another excuse to make offensive jokes and trade masturbation euphemisms, so why not take it? Tell us what you think, and we'll give you the satisfaction of knowing we care. And if you're really hilarious, we'll publish the results later this week.

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