We'll miss you, Denver Daily News: A "Town Talk" tribute

With no announcement and little ceremony or sentiment, the Denver Daily News closed its doors forever yesterday after ten years of Monday-through-Friday reporting. For an upstart organization with an incredibly tiny staff (four in editorial and one photographer), the Daily got a lot done, and there's a lot we'll miss about it: the fact that it was free, for example, and the paper's clear glee in sticking it to the Denver Post. But the thing we'll probably miss most is the Daily's little incongruities, the seat-of-the-pants spirit that comes with being the underdog in a small market with stiff competition. Like a faintly disturbing trip to Funtastic Fun, it was part of the charm.

Nowhere was that underdog strangeness more pronounced than in a little daily segment of the paper called "Town Talk" (it used to be called "Talk of the Town" until, most likely, a cease-and-desist notice came in and it got shortened), a ramshackle collection of short articles about local businesses seemingly highlighted at random with a liberal sprinkling of weird grandpa jokes.

For the foreseeable future, there'll be no more "Town Talk" (we're seriously thinking about picking it up for Show and Tell), but in the meantime, here are a few of our favorites throughout the years:

The Janitor's Way: May 6, 2011

BE YOUR OWN BOSS: If you're interested in starting your own business, Corvus Janitorial Systems may be your ticket! Corvus is a franchise cleaning company, and for a low $500 down payment you could be in business with guaranteed accounts!

In this classic example of how truly random "Town Talk" could be, you are invited to become a janitor, if you're into that idea! Because it's very exciting! Exclamation points!

A Limited Time Offer: January 14, 2010

Grass Roots: Talk about smokin' incentives! Scott Turner and Dan Emmans of Grass Roots health and wellness dispensary are offering a FREE eighth of an ounce bag of goodies to new patients for a limited time. You read it right, stop in today to Grass Roots and new patients will receive a free bag of top-shelf meds for your smoking needs. This is a forty-dollar value and will not last long. Tell them you read it right here in yours truly and enjoy!

Mostly it's just weird for anyone who remembers when weed was definitely illegal to read about a deal for pot in the parlance of a bandstand-shouting town crier, talking about a "FREE eighth of an ounce bag of goodies" and "top-shelf meds" -- which, if you think about it, there's really just kind of something not right about the phrase "top-shelf meds." Step right up, folks, this shit'll fuck up your whole perception! All You Don't Want to Eat: January 27, 2009

Casa Bonita: Where else around here can you see cliff diving while eating Mexican food other than Casa Bonita, 6715 W. Colfax Ave. in Lakewood? With more than 52,000 square feet and seating for 1,100 guests, Casa Bonita is the perfect place to hold a group event or birthday party. Complete your exciting dining experience with puppet shows, arcade games and a visit to El Mercado, Casa Bonita's giftshop.

There are more than 30 attractions at Casa Bonita: cliff divers, escaping gorillas, cowboy shootouts, lost caves and caverns, an amusement arcade and more. Right now Casa Bonita is offering an all-you-can-eat special for only $13.29.

We appreciated your propensity for cluing us in on deals that ranged from closet accessories to marijuana, "Town Talk," but we have to point out that this plug for a Casa Bonita all-you-can-eat special is a tad misguided. Seriously, nobody goes to Casa Bonita for the food. Buying those $14 nachos is pretty much the price of admission; you might as well just eat before you go. An all-you-can-eat offer at Casa Bonita is like an offer for all-you-can-take laxatives.

May 18, 2009 Strangers with Candy: May 18, 2009

Appliance Professionals and Candy, located at 78 S. Broadway, specializes in selling new and used appliances as well as nostalgic candy. Who could resist a Clark Bar, Candy Lipstick, Pez, Wack-O-Wax Wax Lips, Chuckles or Abba-Zaba? Check out their large candy selection today! Mention this town talk and receive a free handful of candy from their candy tray.

It may not be the doing of "Town Talk," but that is just a weird-ass store -- maybe the most hilarious combination of merchandise since they closed down the Qwik Stop Convenience Store and Bail Bonds down on South Federal. Also, "Town Talk," many of us can, in fact, resist Wack-O-Wax Wax Lips.

Have a Tire: February 1, 2010

Tire Store: The Tire Store at 4901 N. Federal Blvd. is open seven days a week for all of your tires needs. The Tire Store has some of the best deals in town and now is the time to get over to see owner Greg Lopez before old man winter gets you stuck in a snow bank.

OK, we know that's a little dramatic, but you know how the Denver Daily News likes to overdramatize everything, err, at least the town talk section does! We just don't want to see you on the side of the road.

It's worth pointing out the date on this one to note that, by the time it ran, winter was already well in progress, thus rendering the time hook somewhat moot. Nevertheless, like all "Town Talk" columns, this had its heart in the right place -- and it ends on a strangely touching note: Like our moms, "Town Talk" was a little goofy, a little lame and occasionally dramatic, but more than anything, she just didn't want us to end up stuck on the side of the road.

A road we'll have to travel without you from now on, "Town Talk."

What, too dramatic?

Follow us on Twitter!