Here's what you do: Figure out some way to get into a submarine, then crank up some badass barbershop quartet jams on the eight-track, because today is National Submarine Day, Eight-Track Tape Day and Barbershop Quartet Day all rolled into one. Just like that. But in the unlikely case that you find yourself unable to commandeer a submarine and don't have any barbershop eight-tracks, then go ahead and celebrate as you customarily celebrate everything -- with sustained binge-drinking.
Tomorrow is Russian Cosmonaut Day, an old Soviet Day of celebration commemorating the anniversary of the pinkos sending the first man into space in 1961. But you know what? We still beat them to the moon in 1969, plus we saved their ass in World War II, plus AMERICA WE'RE NUMBER ONE WE'RE NUMBER ONE WE'RE NUMBER ONE. So on second thought, fuck that day. More importantly, it's also National Walk on Your Wild Side Day -- and you know what that means: More sustained binge drinking, plus possible misadventures involving Lou Reed-style transvestites.
Wednesday is Scrabble Day. That's pretty much all we've got on that.
Thursday ramps it back up with the influx of simultaneous holidays, but most of them are kind of depressing. For one thing, it's Ex Spouse Day, which has got to be hands-down the worst holiday ever. It's also Look Up At the Sky Day and Reach As High As You Can Day (protip: Do both at the same time), but you haven't done either of those things since your ex-spouse crushed all your dreams and you resigned yourself to a career in finding metal and selling it to the scrapyard, plus odd-jobs. And once again, it's National Pecan Day, as if it weren't already currently National Pecan Month and there wasn't another National Pecan Day like three weeks ago. Damn you, pecans, haven't we given you enough attention already?
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Perhaps the only saving grace of Thursday is that it's International Moment of Laughter Day, when finally the world will be laughing with you instead of at you, unless they're laughing at the way you laugh, which is possible because when you laugh it's all throaty and your eyeballs kind of bug out and you make this weird sucking noise and it kind of makes you seem retarded.
Friday is both Rubber Eraser Day and Titanic Remembrance Day, which, the more you think about it, the more sinister that combo seems. And Saturday brings Librarian Day and National Eggs Benedict Day, and there's only one way to celebrate those together: Eating Eggs Benedict off a sexy, sexy librarian. Or, you know, sustained binge drinking.