When you were young, they told you that you could be anything when you grew up -- hell, if you worked hard and applied yourself, you could even be president. As time went on, though, you somehow never quite got the hang of working hard enough, at least not for all those damn money-grubbing bosses who kept telling you nonsense about "show up on time" and "don't steal money out of the cash register," and your dream of being president one day died about the time you got fired from being a titty-bar janitor for consistently leaving a bigger and more unsettling mess than you started with. But just because you can't celebrate Presidents Day by being president of the United States doesn't mean you can't be president of something.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
For example, you could do a lot better than just being the janitor of the titty bar -- for all the time you spend there, you might as well be the president of that, even though that recent ban on using welfare cards at strip club ATMs makes it so you have to walk down to the convenience store every couple of hours to get more dollar bills. Still, is the president in the round office or whatever all the time? No, he is not. But that doesn't mean he isn't still the president. Tomorrow is also George Washington's birthday, but just let that one ride -- he ain't no better than you.
Following up the presidential holidays this week is a short series of holidays related to dogs, starting tomorrow with Walking the Dog Day, which it's hard to be absolutely sure is not some kind of obscure masturbation reference. All the same, why not go out and let Dog # 17 off the chain today? Because even though you've got to be careful not to get too attached to a dog you're probably going to have to put down pretty soon due to grievous injuries, he has been winning a lot of fights lately, and he probably deserves a reward. Then Wednesday is International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day, which'll be easy enough for you given that ever since the price of nachos went up, they've pretty much comprised your diet. Still, since Thursday is National Tortilla Chip day and all, maybe it's time to put aside a little of that dogfight money and splurge.
Saturday is Carnival Day, which means it's the perfect day to get out the old clown costume and... well, actually, it's still got a lot of blood on it. On second thought, maybe just leave it where it's buried. Luckily, it's also National Pistachio Day, which maybe calls for a trip down to that one bar where they leave those things right on the counter where anyone can just eat the whole bowl. Suckers.
And after a week like that, there's hardly a better way to close it out than Sunday's celebration of No Brainer Day, a holiday devoted to making obvious choices, placing you right back where you started: the titty-bar.