There are a number of so-called "drinking" holidays that roll around once a year -- St. Patrick's Day, Fat Tuesday, Black History Month -- but those, as you once heard a bartender say and now like to pretend like you came up with it yourself, are like "amateur night." Those sloppy rubes with their green beer and their Rosa Parks tribute concerts, they wouldn't know a good bender if they accidentally drove it into a lake and then told everyone it got stolen. Not like you. You're like a connoisseur of drunkenness, and today is the day that was made for you.
Yes, it's Beer Can Appreciation Day today, commemorating that storied day in 1935 when the world was introduced to a beautiful and paradigm-changing concept by a tiny brewery in Wales: beer in cans. The best part? You can celebrate it by doing pretty much what you always do, "appreciating" fifteen or so beer cans and their contents, and then pissing your pants and somehow waking up on the kitchen floor of your neighbor's apartment. Ah, what does he know? He's probably too uptight to appreciate anything, let along a good can of beer.
The party doesn't stop there. Tuesday is "Opposite Day," in which you are encouraged to do the opposite of what people tell you to do -- like, if they say "take a left," you take a right. Which works out perfectly for you, because people are always telling you to "stop drinking" and "you really are in no condition to be driving right now" and "please put down that knife," none of which you have any intention of doing. You're a lone wolf.
You're going to have a tougher time Thursday and Friday figuring out how to celebrate "Punch the Clock Day" and "Fun at Work Day," respectively, since your temporary lack of employment affords you neither a clock to punch nor work to have fun at; on the other hand, spending eight hours a day staking out the best slot machine in the casino is sort of like work, even though the fun got drained out out of that right about the time your last dream died. Also, repeatedly pulling that lever is akin to the motion of punching a clock. So there's that.
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Luckily, Friday is also National Kazoo Day, which is kind of neato, and Saturday is even better: It's both National Puzzle Day and National Cornchip Day, the latter of which will make your steady diet of convenience store nachos seem downright festive. And as for Puzzle Day, if you think of all those puzzle pieces there in the box, none of which has of itself any individual meaning, waiting for a day they will be put together by forces over which they have no control... well, it's sort of like a metaphor for your life, isn't it?