What week is it? A breakdown of everything you could be celebrating, March 14 - 20
Thanks, dick, we get it.
There tends to be a certain irony to the way we celebrate religious holidays. For example, right now, it's Lent, which in the Catholic tradition is a forty-day period of abstaining and self-denial; in popular culture, though, the closest most come to observing Lent is Mardi Gras, the day before the beginning of Lent, which is typically celebrated with binge drinking and gross excess. But binge drinking and gross excess have always been more your style anyway, and luckily for you, St. Patrick's Day this week provides yet another ironic reason to get hammered.
The holiday, of course, is dedicated to the eponymous St. Patrick, one of the many patron saints of Ireland, who famously brought Christianity to the Irish pagans by using the shamrock to offer one of the most condescending explanations of the Holy Trinity ever recorded: "See? It's only one thing, but it has three things on it." Legendarily, Patrick then explained how a square is also a rectangle, and then skipped forward in the textbook to a lesson in remedial reading.
Over the years, it morphed into a celebration of Irish culture, which we now celebrate by perpetuating the stereotype that all Irish people are alcoholics by wearing shamrocks and drinking heavily. But St. Patrick's Day is not the only day this week that calls for drinking heavily.
Today, as a matter of fact, is National Pi Day (because, you know, it's 3/14), which warrants a drink if for no other reason than that beer cans are cylindrical and pi has something to do with measuring circles or whatever. And since pi is not actually 3.14, but rather an infinite string of digits, we'd say that warrants consuming infinite beers. Tomorrow, meanwhile, is the Ides of March, the Roman New Year -- also the day upon which Julius Caesar was famously murdered by his best friend, sort of like the time your best friend stabbed you in the hand with a pencil when you were a kid because you wouldn't stop giving him the "pink belly." Most likely, you will have to drink away that pain.
The Ides of March, by the way, was also the first day of spring on the Roman Calendar, but in this scientific day and age, that day doesn't come until a little later; this year, the Vernal Equinox -- that point when the earth's equator is directly aligned with the sun -- is expected to occur at approximately 5:21 p.m. RMT on Sunday, meaning it's officially spring. And that's a cause for celebration if we've ever heard one. You've been drinking all winter just to keep warm and chase the blues away; now, you can start drinking for fun!
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