This week gets off to a strong start with Something on a Stick Day, a holiday dedicated to that great American pursuit of putting food on sticks before eating it -- well, actually, the Middle East probably got the jump on this one with their kebabs and whatnot, but did they invent corndogs? No, they did not. And corndogs are the shit. This holiday is also not to be confused with National Poke Something with a Stick Day, which is commemorated by poking something with a stick pretty much every time you get an opportunity to do so. Nevertheless, however potentially degrading eating things on sticks or poking things with sticks may be, neither of those things have anything on a visit to the doctor's office.
An apparent nationwide exercise in Stockholm Syndrome, Wednesday is National Doctor's Day, a congress-confirmed holiday that marks the first use of general anesthesia in 1933 and celebrates its practitioners. Because you know what's awesome? Going to the doctor. We can't wait for the next time we'll be grossly overcharged for a diagnosis of whatever's going on with us that is pretty much guaranteed to be either obvious or vague and unhelpful, after showing up at a pre-ordained hour only to wait another hour for the doctor to clear up a little of his time, which is clearly far more important than ours. On second thought, doctors probably don't need a day of congratulation -- they spend enough time congratulating themselves.
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Friday rings in the first day of April, bringing with it a slew of commemorative months: National Humor Month (which we won't be observing because humor is for the weak), International Guitar Month, Keep America Beautiful Month, Lawn and Garden Month (which we will be observing, but only the "lawn" part; gardens are for the weak), Poetry Month (also for the weak), National Pecan Month (didn't we just celebrate Pecan Day last week? Isn't that enough?), National Welding Month (not for the weak), Records and Information Management Month (good God, that sounds boring!), Stress Awareness Month (we're already stressed out from Records and Information Management Month) and Sexual Assault Awareness Month (joke redacted for tastelessness).
It also used to be April Fools' Day on April 1 until last year, when the practice was outlawed due to people getting their gay little feelings hurt. We'll miss you, April Fools' Day. You used to be awesome.