It's a new month, which means the usual slew of designations intended to raise awareness of things that generally continue getting ignored as per usual during that month -- but for those who are paying attention, May is pretty much a glass case of contradiction and self-loathing: It's National Blood Pressure Month, which is when you're supposed to be extra aware of how your compulsive overeating is depositing straight-up lard into your arteries. Unfortunately for your arteries, though, it's also National Barbecue Month and National Hamburger Month. And National Salad Month, but we assume you'll continue ignoring that one. With one exception, the holidays this week aren't a whole lot better.
Today kicks off the celebrations with Baby Day, which we can only suggest you celebrate by paying your child support for once, which is about the least fun way to celebrate something ever. Tomorrow is a good one for us: It's World Press Freedom Day, declared by the U.N. General Assembly in 1993 to celebrate journalists for their fearless contributions to the free flow of information and the exposure of corruption worldwide. On the other hand, we've pretty much squandered our press freedom on dumb shit like this, so... forget it, I guess, then.
Wednesday is Bird Day, one of several yearly celebrations dedicated to winged creatures that some people watch but most people eat -- this particular Bird Day, however, is the oldest recorded holiday for birds, first observed in Pennsylvania in 1894.
Pretty much the only holiday worth celebrating at all this week is Cinco de Mayo, and that's not even an American holiday. Actually, it's mostly an American holiday, weirdly -- it commemorates the unlikely victory of the Mexican army over the French army in a decisive battle in 1862, paving the way to the end of the French occupation of Mexico. But in Mexico, it's pretty much only celebrated in the state of Puebla, where the battle took place, and even there, only mildly.
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It's become far more important in these United States, where it's come to symbolize the celebration of Mexican heritage and culture, much like St. Patrick's Day celebrates Irish Culture -- and conveniently, both are excellent excuses to get wasted pretty much throughout the weekend, whether you're ethnically qualified or not. Fuck it.
Wrapping up the week, Friday is International Tuba Day, a day devoted to the most hilarious instrument ever invented -- and appropriately so, because Cinco de Mayo is going to involve a shitload of norteño bands, and it's well knowns that norteño bands are all about some tubas.