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It's the second-longest day of the year today, and not just because, like Garfield, you hate Mondays -- it's because it's the Summer Solstice tomorrow, so literally. And while solstices (solsti?) are generally holidays for pagan hippies who celebrate them by dancing around flaming pentagrams and guzzling hard cider and blood -- at least we're pretty sure that's what pagan hippies do -- it's also the first official day of summer, which means that you, too, can celebrate it by guzzling booze and grilling hot dogs instead of drinking blood. Fuck it, do both.
At any rate, the official onset of summer makes for some pretty summer-ish holidays in general this week -- today, for example, is Ice Cream Soda Day, an observance devoted to a type of treat made by (natch) mixing ice cream and soda water that people enjoyed back when your grandparents were young but is in this day and age typically ignored -- with good reason, really: Ice Cream Sodas are not particularly good. Better than blood, though. We'd suggest celebrating with Jäger shots, which is probably what you'd be doing anyway.
By far the most important day of this week, though, is obviously Thursday, which is National Columnists Day, dedicated to remembering the day newspaper columnist Ernie Pyle was killed in World War II. Since then, this extremely prestigious holiday has evolved into a celebration of all newspaper columnists -- like this one -- and how badass they are. How to celebrate? Well, if you see one out this week -- here's an example of what one might look like -- buy him a drink. Or several drinks. Actually, if you could just buy him a half-ounce of blow and a limo full of hookers, I bet that would really make his night.
After a celebration like that, anything else is kind of bound to be a let-down, but there's still a pretty good one to close out the week: Take Your Dog to Work Day. In light of the fact that your dog will not appreciate your stocking duties at the gas station at all, and also that the gas station will probably not appreciate your dog's presence there, we're suggesting you interpret "dog" as "brew-dog," plurally. The gas station probably won't appreciate that either (those assholes don't appreciate anything), but at least you'll have a good time.