Look, you're not fooling anybody with all that talk of a "rare photo-sensitivity condition" -- we all know you wear sunglasses inside because you're a douchebag. But while that's not the only facet of your douchebaggery, we'll forgive you for at least that one today, because it's Sunglasses Day, and we're feeling charitable. At any rate, as long as you're wearing your sunglasses inside, you might as well wear them right into the STD clinic -- for multiple reasons, but at least in part because it's also National HIV Testing Day today, and also because you probably have it. It's also National Orange Blossom Day, if that makes you feel any better. It probably doesn't, but as far as obscure holidays to celebrate this week, there's plenty more where that came from.
The fact that Tuesday is National Insurance Awareness day is unlikely to cheer you up any, either -- insurance, as we all know, is basically a scam -- but take heart: It's also Paul Bunyan Day, which is pretty awesome. Paul Bunyan, of course, is that mythical plaid-shirted giant (hipster?) with uncommon skill, a heart of gold and an ox that was for some reason blue; though his myth probably originated among the Quebecois of remote Canada, Bunyan went on to become a central tenet of American folklore after his legend was appropriated for an advertising campaign by a logging company in the early 20th century. Ah, advertising, you know the way to America's heart.
After all that excitement, brace yourself for Wednesday, devoted to the celebration of one of the greatest inventions mankind has ever known: Waffle Iron Day. Interestingly, it's also Camera Day, so consider taking pictures of yourself cramming waffles into your mouth, and then throw them away, because nobody wants to see that shit.
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Typically, Canada once again tries to muscle in on America's shit on Friday with Canada Day, a piss-poor substitute for American Independence Day. As we all don't know because who gives a shit about Canada, our neighbors to the north became self-governing as a nation on July 1, 1867. Oh, big fucking deal, Canada, because one, we did it like a hundred years before you, and two, you weren't even independent until 1982. That's right: Even though Canada was technically self-governing, it was still answerable to British Parliament until about 30 years ago, and even still, their "sovereign" is the queen, whatever that means.
Looks like we'll have to wait until next week for some real freedom.