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Women's soccer and the ten greatest things ever

Goal. It's not as exciting when you don't yell it, huh?
Goal. It's not as exciting when you don't yell it, huh?

Women's soccer. Whoa, wait, wake up. It's not a yawn anymore.

This past week proved women's soccer can be exciting. On Sunday, an amazing late goal put the U.S. team into a shootout with Brazil, where the Americans won and advanced in the 2011 World Cup. Since that game, ESPN's been pumping the sport like mad. And frankly, I'm sold! Women's soccer is the greatest! The greatest ever!

That's why ESPN's SportsCenter ranked the U.S.'s game-tying goal against Brazil the number-five most dramatic moment in sports history. Of the other nine in the list, four were baseball moments, which might make you think the list was hastily created to add excitement to the relatively dull sports that are currently being played, which is why football, hockey and basketball got one spot each.

You might think that, but no! The list is completely real and 100 percent scientifically accurate! Women's fuckin' soccer is making its move. It's up there in baseball territory. Next stop: archery, bitch!

The only problem with ESPN's list is that it didn't go far enough. They named the ten most dramatic moments in sports, but we're going to do you one better: We've compiled a list of the 10 greatest things. Ever!

10. Sliced bread: Kind of speaks for itself. Before sliced bread, you had to make a mouth-sandwich by taking a big bite of bread, then a bite of meat, then cramming some cheese and tomato slices into your maw. Not appealing. Also toast was impossible.

Meh. Come back when ESPN puts you on a list, pal.
Meh. Come back when ESPN puts you on a list, pal.

9. Wayne Gretzky: Substitute Mohammed Ali if you'd prefer. Their nicknames apparently suggest greatness, but ESPN didn't rank them in any top tens recently, so they're low on this list.

8. Beer: Like a good Coloradan, I can rank the top 10 microbrews from here to Grand Junction. But to preserve room on this list, let's keep beer to one spot.

7. Derek Jeter's 3,000th hit: We salute Jeter, whose 3,000th hit is admirable because Jeter appears to be the oldest player ever to achieve that mark. He's not actually the oldest, but he plays like it, which is kind of the same thing, right?

6. U.S. Women's World Cup goal: In the last seconds of extra time, U.S. midfielder Megan Rapinoe carried the ball down the left, then sent a long cross past Brazilian defenders and goalkeeper Andreia to forward Abby Wambach at the right post, who headed the ball in for a game-tying goal. If you haven't watched it repeatedly yet, basically kill yourself.

Are you getting the drama here? I mean wow.
Are you getting the drama here? I mean wow.

5. Language: Gotta hand it to those ancient humans. Good thinking on the language thing. But modern man has done some great things too (women's soccer, anyone?), so language sits at number five.

 

See, that's the Little Mermaid, but someone added glasses to make her hipster-like!!
See, that's the Little Mermaid, but someone added glasses to make her hipster-like!!

4. That utterly hilarious hipster Little Mermaid image: Yeah, post that on Facebook some more. I love it. Haha maybe she's jaded and cynical about something underwater.

3. The burgeoning medical marijuana industry and its current structure, especially its marketing and advertising strategies: We at Westword just think you folks in the pot industry are the dandiest, especially the way you've chosen to market your product to your consumer base. AKA our readers.

2. Democracy and freedom: As God and our forefathers intended, these values held the top spot for more than 200 years, thanks to tireless defense by our brave men and women who risk their lives every day. Let's all stand as an overproduced pop star bungles the National Anthem. Liberty and representational government better give way, though, because there's a new number 1 in town...

1. U.S. women's World Cup goal. Did you see the goal yet? It was dramatic, OK? It was really freaking dramatic, also amazing. See the women in Sunday's final where they just might shake up this list again.


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