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Best Of :: Sports & Recreation

Best Sports Team -- Professional

All right, so the Avalanche has been in a swoon of late. Even the Zamboni drivers have heard the rumors about coach Tony Granato's departure, and some Avs veterans have questioned their teammates' work ethic as the NHL playoffs draw near. Still, the two-time Stanley Cup champions remain a scary power to all of the top teams in the league -- especially if the great center Peter Forsberg can avoid more injury and star free agents Teemu Selanne and Paul Kariya get their acts together in time to knock heads with the Red Wings, Canucks and Sharks at Cup Crazy time. Don't worry about Alex Tanguay and Joe Sakic: These two scoring machines never shut down for repairs. Meanwhile, the smartest executive in hockey, GM Pierre Lacroix, may have a few more late-season tricks up his sleeve. Even amid a shocking slump, the Avs loom as a grave threat to grab up Lord Stanley's funny-looking trophy for the third time in nine years.

Best New Slogan for CU Buffs

Just as Governor Bill "Sparky" Owens was able to turn the fearsome 2002 wildfire season into a national promotion for Centennial State s'mores, surely the University of Colorado and its spin-meisters can capitalize on all of the national press over the recruiting-party sex-assault scandal. Boulder's already given a whole new meaning to the term "student body " -- why not make it part of the Buffs' randy brand?


Best New Slogan for CU Buffs

Just as Governor Bill "Sparky" Owens was able to turn the fearsome 2002 wildfire season into a national promotion for Centennial State s'mores, surely the University of Colorado and its spin-meisters can capitalize on all of the national press over the recruiting-party sex-assault scandal. Boulder's already given a whole new meaning to the term "student body " -- why not make it part of the Buffs' randy brand?

Best Next Career for John Elway

We really, really want John to do well at something. Anything, really. After all, he's our icon, our stainless hero. So it'd be nice to have him around for a while longer -- at least until someone better comes along. The problem is figuring out what, exactly, he's good at. He can't start a successful new business (see ya, MVP.com). He's not that good at interpersonal relationships (buh-bye, Janet). He's a better-than-average duffer, but nowhere near professional caliber. In fact, being a retired Elway is not unlike being a retired politician: Everything he's done before has prepared him for nothing after. Our advice? Stick to the two things you know and accept a high-level position with Broncos boss Pat Bowlen: special assistant in charge of acquiring team cars.


Best Next Career for John Elway

We really, really want John to do well at something. Anything, really. After all, he's our icon, our stainless hero. So it'd be nice to have him around for a while longer -- at least until someone better comes along. The problem is figuring out what, exactly, he's good at. He can't start a successful new business (see ya, MVP.com). He's not that good at interpersonal relationships (buh-bye, Janet). He's a better-than-average duffer, but nowhere near professional caliber. In fact, being a retired Elway is not unlike being a retired politician: Everything he's done before has prepared him for nothing after. Our advice? Stick to the two things you know and accept a high-level position with Broncos boss Pat Bowlen: special assistant in charge of acquiring team cars.

Best Next Career for Gary Barnett
Custodian of the primate house, Denver Zoo
Christopher Smith

Yes, yes, we know. Not all of the evidence has been collected and analyzed. The strippers have not laid their souls bare. The bills from the liquor store are still coming in. And the regents have not yet admitted that they, too, smoked a little dope in their undergraduate days. Nonetheless, the recruiting, rape and party scandal that has shaken the University of Colorado football program to its foundation has yielded one incontrovertible fact: Whether he was an enabler or not, whether he endorsed the late-night frolicking or he didn't, head football coach Gary Barnett made little effort to grasp what was going on or not going on with his players. And that makes him an ideal guy for a new career mopping out the monkey cages at the zoo. You know: Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.


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Best Sports Team -- Professional: Colorado Avalanche

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