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Best Of 2004

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Best Of :: Sports & Recreation

Best Sports-Ticket Scalper

Listen, people, Carmelo or no Carmelo, you can still pay less than face value for Denver Nuggets tickets. True, the days of the ten- dollar, weeknight, center-court, lower-level NBA ticket are over (at least for this season), but Willie still can hook you up. He's the ringmaster of the ticket-scalping circus happening outside the Pepsi Center before and during the first quarter/period of Nuggets and Avalanche games. You can't miss him: He's an African-American gentleman, about 6' 3", who usually wears a long leather coat with a faux-fur collar. He's also the guy shouting, "Yeah, what?" to all the other scalpers crying out, "Hey, Willie!" For the Nuggets, pay no more than $30 for lower-level corner seats, $60 for centers. That's still about fifteen to thirty bucks less than face. Buying tickets for the Avalanche on the street is a different game entirely, however. You may have to actually pay more than face value, which is illegal in Denver, but, hey, it's a thrill. And you should always go to Willie: He bargains fast and hard, but he's the fairest of the lot.

Best New Slogan for CU Buffs

Just as Governor Bill "Sparky" Owens was able to turn the fearsome 2002 wildfire season into a national promotion for Centennial State s'mores, surely the University of Colorado and its spin-meisters can capitalize on all of the national press over the recruiting-party sex-assault scandal. Boulder's already given a whole new meaning to the term "student body " -- why not make it part of the Buffs' randy brand?


Best New Slogan for CU Buffs

Just as Governor Bill "Sparky" Owens was able to turn the fearsome 2002 wildfire season into a national promotion for Centennial State s'mores, surely the University of Colorado and its spin-meisters can capitalize on all of the national press over the recruiting-party sex-assault scandal. Boulder's already given a whole new meaning to the term "student body " -- why not make it part of the Buffs' randy brand?

Best Next Career for John Elway

We really, really want John to do well at something. Anything, really. After all, he's our icon, our stainless hero. So it'd be nice to have him around for a while longer -- at least until someone better comes along. The problem is figuring out what, exactly, he's good at. He can't start a successful new business (see ya, MVP.com). He's not that good at interpersonal relationships (buh-bye, Janet). He's a better-than-average duffer, but nowhere near professional caliber. In fact, being a retired Elway is not unlike being a retired politician: Everything he's done before has prepared him for nothing after. Our advice? Stick to the two things you know and accept a high-level position with Broncos boss Pat Bowlen: special assistant in charge of acquiring team cars.


Best Next Career for John Elway

We really, really want John to do well at something. Anything, really. After all, he's our icon, our stainless hero. So it'd be nice to have him around for a while longer -- at least until someone better comes along. The problem is figuring out what, exactly, he's good at. He can't start a successful new business (see ya, MVP.com). He's not that good at interpersonal relationships (buh-bye, Janet). He's a better-than-average duffer, but nowhere near professional caliber. In fact, being a retired Elway is not unlike being a retired politician: Everything he's done before has prepared him for nothing after. Our advice? Stick to the two things you know and accept a high-level position with Broncos boss Pat Bowlen: special assistant in charge of acquiring team cars.

Best Next Career for Gary Barnett
Custodian of the primate house, Denver Zoo
Christopher Smith

Yes, yes, we know. Not all of the evidence has been collected and analyzed. The strippers have not laid their souls bare. The bills from the liquor store are still coming in. And the regents have not yet admitted that they, too, smoked a little dope in their undergraduate days. Nonetheless, the recruiting, rape and party scandal that has shaken the University of Colorado football program to its foundation has yielded one incontrovertible fact: Whether he was an enabler or not, whether he endorsed the late-night frolicking or he didn't, head football coach Gary Barnett made little effort to grasp what was going on or not going on with his players. And that makes him an ideal guy for a new career mopping out the monkey cages at the zoo. You know: Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.


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Best Sports-Ticket Scalper: Willie, "The Chief Boot Knocka"

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