BEST SUBSTITUTE FOR SUCKS (2006)
In a January piece about a town in which cell phones don't work, the Denver Post's Rich Tosches quoted a resident as follows: "Sometimes I actually forget that I even have a cell phone. It just (word meaning 'vacuum-like function')." Just what was that resident saying? That it just Hoovers? Just Eurekas? Dirt Devils? Such prudy-pants substitutions really suck.