BEST SUBSTITUTE FOR SUCKS (2006)

Denver Post

In a January piece about a town in which cell phones don't work, the Denver Post's Rich Tosches quoted a resident as follows: "Sometimes I actually forget that I even have a cell phone. It just (word meaning 'vacuum-like function')." Just what was that resident saying? That it just Hoovers? Just Eurekas? Dirt Devils? Such prudy-pants substitutions really suck.

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