A. The bottle of Deep Rock water: Allard is known to chug at least 64 ounces a day.
B. The empty corkboard over his head. Colorado's junior senator recently ordered all staffers to install a bulletin board for favorable press clippings.
C. The poster of Ronald Reagan. Allard admires the former prez.
D. A predominantly burgundy patterned tie. Burgundy is the former vet's favorite color, and he has a dozen such silk cravats.
2. Onion editor Robert Siegel said Allard was honored because:
A. He's been in the news for a change, talking about sexual assaults at the Air Force Academy.
B. Siegel, who attended the University of Northern Colorado, used to play a college drinking game called "Allard the Dullard."
C. The name Allard translates loosely to "party hound" in French.
D. The senator's name was first on the alphabetical list, and he's in his second term.
3. According to Allard spokesman Dick Wadhams, you can spot something phony in another Onion shot:
A. The senator is reading (Bukowski, no less) while wearing glasses.
B. He's reaching for Doritos.
C. He's wearing a charcoal-gray suit.
D. He appears to be friendly with Senator Tim Hutchinson.
4. A very reliable source saw Allard on a flight to D.C. recently doing this:
A. Asking his wife for help when he had trouble playing solitaire on his laptop.
B. Pretending to read the president's budget proposal with a copy of Veterinarian Illustrated tucked inside.
C. Singing along to a Tim McGraw song he was listening to on a CD.
D. Bugging everyone around him for extra bags of in-flight peanuts.
5. Allard is not the only wacky top GOP. Congressman Bob Beauprez -- an old dairy farmer turned banker turned developer -- did what last month to show his appreciation to constituents?
A. Introduced legislation giving a tax break to anyone buying a .44-caliber handgun for homeland security.
B. Offered to cook pancakes for anyone who was out of work.
C. Donned a vest and bagged groceries at an Arvada Albertsons.
D. Drove a golf cart in Loveland's Meadowland Estates as part of the covenant police.
6. Governor Bill Owens, responding to a Democrat's urge that he push for more federal bucks, wrote:
A. "Good point. You can bet I'll bring that up the next time the president has a little spare time to chop wood down in Texas."
B. "Money is the root of all evil. What we need are ideas that aren't the root of evil."
C. "To quote Radiohead: 'Do the best you can. The best you can is good enough.'"
D. "I, like all governors, would like more help from the federal government."
Answers:
1. C. The Reagan poster brought a chuckle from the senator, according to an Allard staffer.
2. D. It was just a lucky break. Siegel, who didn't know anything about Allard, plucked him from obscurity.
3. B. Reaching for Doritos. Everyone knows Wayne loves his Fritos.
4. A. Allard made it a partners event by soliciting the help of his Best of Denver-winning wife.
5. C. Beauprez, who bagged the seventh district, bagged groceries.
6. D. Owens told House Minority Leader Jennifer Veiga that he'd like more, but was being responsible.
