Of all the rare birds gathered on the mall for the DNC, the Stop Bird Porn people may just be the strangest quacks out there. And while those are two brilliant, brilliant fucking bird puns I just hit you with, the fact remains, what the shit, man? I’ve yet to see them in person, but three different reports of their presence have come my way, as well as some of their propaganda. Seems word has gotten out that I’m quite the bird watcher, and seeing as I’m also completely sick, people seem to enjoy telling me that there exists a group out there calling all bird-watchers perverts, and then laughing in my smut-peddling face.
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On the group’s site, www.stopbirdporn.org, the bird-fuck-haters barely explains their mission, writing, “According to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service forty eight million people watch birds. We have discovered that certain demographics of Bird Watchers are more sexually active than others. The elderly find that bird watching is not strenuous. And this erotic experience can be enjoyed privately through binoculars. Most disturbing are the groups of bird watchers seeking vicarious sexual gratification in the woods.”
Essentially bird-watchers are voyeuristic perverts, these cuckoos claim. And while it’s true that I do enjoy climbing a tree with my binocs and peeping through windows to watch the cellulitic roller-coaster ride that is an good-old, American rodgering every once in a while, I can safely say that the other bird-nerds that I know are the most asexual group of people I have ever come across. Getting up in the freezing dawn to sit in a blind for the mere chance to see a bird simply does not lend itself to sweaty gangbangs the night before.
As many of the posters to the website point out, the whole project smacks of bullshit, of college psych student thesis or elaborate art prank, but joke or no, the group thus far has protested the Audubon Society in New York as well as at the White House. Regardless, they better not fuck with me when I’m getting my pure, unadulterated bird on. Because then I’ll be forced to hit them with my erection. -- Adam Cayton-Holland