George R. R. Martin took a break from killing Starks today to send us this list of the notes he would send to the producers of TV shows if he were put in charge of them. [NOTE: We made this up.] Here's what he dashed off for us, in between shouting descriptions of imaginary feasts.
My Three Sons: That's two too many.
Friends: Let's just make it Friend.
Project Runway: This week's challenge: Fashion something grand from small clothes and boiled leather.
Moonlighting: David Addison loses a hand; Maddie Hayes loses her blouse. Also: They're brother and sister.
G.I. Joe: You know those parachutes that save the Joes every time their jets get shot down? Let's replace those with death shadows expelled from Lady Jaye's vagina.
Twin Peaks: The story of Roz, a Winterfell girl trying to make it in the big city.
Cheers: Horndog tavernkeep Sam Malone is haunted by dreams of his warg self, an actual horndog. Diane Chambers marries a well-spoken dwarf (Kelsey Grammar).
HBO's Cathouse: Now with archery!
Law & Order: Contains neither.
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Six times the warrior is slain, and six times the Lord of Light imbues him again with unholy life.
I Love Lucy: The line dividing Lucy and Ricky's halves of the apartment is patrolled by bastards and rapists.
True Blood: Everything is 22 percent less cartoonishly bloody and gratuitous.
The Flintstones: “It's a living,” sighs a dinosaur/turntable, just before immolating its master.
Survivor: There is no survivor.
To Catch a Predator: Predator escapes, slowly becomes the hero.
Happy Days: In mid-shark jump, Fonzie is bitten in half.
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Full House: Now has vacancies. Also: When Uncle Jessie marries Samantha, the sound of a blade gutting Danny Tanner turns out just to be one of Joey's amusing sound effects.
I Dream of Jeanie: Before meeting Larry Hagman, Jeanie wanders the desert for seven seasons.
The Simpsons: No changes! Like all good series, the first half should be tight, focused, and touching upon brilliance. Then it should bloat on and on, focusing on irrelevant characters and growing increasingly tiresome and meaningless.