10 kinds of bros you'll find at a music festival
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Urban Dictionary, the Internet's home for crass generalizations, defines a bro as, "Obnoxious partying males who are often seen at college parties. When they aren't making an ass of themselves, they usually just stand around holding a red plastic cup waiting for something exciting to happen so they can scream something that demonstrates how much they enjoy partying."
It's a safe bet that you've encountered these creatures at one time or another at various large gatherings over the course of the summer -- say, a music festival, for instance, where we spotted these fine chaps, whose photos we're using here, BTW, strictly for academic purposes. After the jump, we give you the full brodown on the individual species for identification purposes in case you happen upon these fellas.
1. Almost-Naked Bro In any bro's attire, there's a strong element devoted to attracting the attention of as many females as possible. This bro's care-free attire -- which is, to say, solely, a pair of mango swim trunks -- in addition to his athletic-man stretch, probably won't attract the right kind of attention he seeks. You can find this guy not so much up front for the night's headliners, but probably socializing near the dance tent. Bro Points: 4/10
2. Ironic Mullet Bro The sole reason for this guy's hair-style, we're willing to bet, is irony, a notion which he will fervently disagree with. Bros fucking hate irony. Without that obvious mullet reference behind us, you'll next notice the sunglasses, silver bracelet and bear-claw tattoos. Bro Points: 6/10
3. You're Doing It Wrong Bro Bro, you're doing it wrong. Plush pig outfit that may or may have not been bought at an adult sex shop, two spray water bottles and a tallboy of Budweiser. You can find this guy passed out in the gravel parking lot by 8 p.m. at any major music festival. Bro Points: 1/10
4. Look At This Fucking Hoopster Sure Deadspin beat us to it, but hats off to the smart-ass sports bloggers for also noticing the growing trend of bros in basketball jerseys at music festivals. He gets an extra point for matching the Bud Light Lime can with his jersey. Bro Points: 8/10
5. Tribal Tattoo Bro Does the ubiquity of tribal tattoos make them more acceptable? No. Yet they are still more acceptable than the rare male tramp stamp. Bro Points: 9/10
6. Here To Party Bro. So, what's the over-under on whether this kid's dad owns a speedboat just based on looking at him. In the very least, his dad probably owns a speedboat. His son certainly has the ideal look for it. Your enthusiasm coupled with public drunkeness makes for a fine marriage, bro. Bro Points: 7/10
7. Domo Arigato Mr. Brobato, thank you for dancing. You can find this type of bro in the dance/electro/techo area of any music festival, getting down. And he likes dancing alone, thank you. Bro Points: 3/10
8. Alpha Bro. All young bros must defer to the lead of this alpha bro, the de facto king. While you were reading this, he was making out with your girlfriend. Sorry, bro. Bro Points: 10/10
9. Backpack bro. You know his backpack's full of beers, he just has nobody to drink them with. You can find this type of bro passed out in the car about 8 p.m., just as the headliner is warming up. If you ever see us at a festival backpack bro, we'd be happy to shotgun of a few beers with you out of your Jansport.
10. Eagle bro. You can spot this bro because he has embroidered eagles on his shirt, and like the Bald Eagle, he is an endangered species. Known for his affinity for Steve Miller Band, this bro (as seen here) is often seen directing eagles with his arms.
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