45 Second Reviews

Why give anything an earnest listen, when you can make snap judgments?

Raheem DeVaughn

Love Behind the Melody

Zomba Records

01:00-01:45 of “Customer”

I had to stare at the cover of this record for a few minutes before I realized that it wasn’t called, “Love From Behind.” I’m not sure why, it just looked like that type of record. Anyway, “Customer” certainly proves my point with the line “let me serve you up, you can have it your way… if you want it super sized with some lovin’ on the side…” I’m sorry, but if that gets you hot or keeps you hot or whatever the hell this smooth jazz R&B shit is supposed to do then you have some serious issues.

Magnetic Fields



02:00-02:45 of “Please Stop Dancing”

Okay, I can already tell that every music critic in the country is going to shit themselves at the opportunity to namedrop Jesus and Mary Chain. So, screw them, I’m going to say this sounds like the Psychedelic Furs. Yeah, that’s right, “Please Stop Dancing” sounds exactly like “Pretty in Pink” if it were to be slowed down slightly. So there. Distort that.


Angels of Destruction!

Yep Roc Records

00:30-01:15 of “Angels on a Passing Train”

Huh, this guitar sounds like Wilco or something, but not as good. Whatever. Anyway, here we go, guy is singing, “Yeah, woohoo, I’m so college and so cool, I’m cute in my little hat that is indie and beat up and I wear old man pants but that’s cool ‘cause I live in my parents basement and have a retro couch, I’m tortured ‘cause the girl I love broke my heart while we were watching a Jim Jarmush movie.” Or something like that, I don’t know, like, whatever.

Matthew West

Something to Say

Sparrow Records

02:45-03:30 of “You Are Everything”

I love songs that are about me, “You are everything that I need for… every single beat of my heart.” Okay, I don’t really know what he’s talking about, but Matthew West needs me to survive, I can tell that much. It’s so meta, so new, so post, so modern, so wow. Thanks man, I really needed a picker-upper.

-- Thorin Klosowski

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