45 Second Reviews: Radiohead, Maroon 5, HIgh School Musical 2, Chingy, Bubba Sparxxx
The Lost Tracks
00:00-00:45 of “Never Scared”
I never totally understood the point of the “Lost Tracks” albums. These are songs that didn’t make the cut for whatever reason before and I’m entirely unsure what makes them worthwhile now. “Never Scared” is about as bottom of the barrel as you’re going to get with music, I’m not just talking Bubba Sparxx, I’m talking music in general. This track makes me what to commit a public suicide in the hope that Bubba will notices and finally take stock of the influence his music has made on the world.
Hate It or Love It
02:01-02:46 of “2 Kool 2 Dance”
I’m not sure that I’ve ever heard a hip-hop song as dialed in as the text-message-centric “2 Kool 2 Dance.” Yeah, I mean, sure, it’s cool that you’re out at the club, but I could’ve shit this beat out in three seconds with a bag of coke on my ass too – and the rhymes are about as thoughtful as a three-year-old babbling about donuts.
High School Musical 2: Non-Stop Dance Party
Walt Disney Records
01:00-01:45 of “Humuhumunikinikuapua’a”
I’m pretty sure that I should be offended on multiple levels by what is assaulting my ears right now. The song title alone strikes me as being some attempt at… I don’t even know what language that could possibly be – but I’m positive that someone out there knows what it is and is ready to beat the hell out of this Disney girl.
The B-Side Collection
01:45-02:30 of “The Way I Was”
Maroon 5 is one of those obnoxious bands that stopped listening to new music after Ben Folds 5 and Harvey Danger released their most popular albums. The B-Side Collection showcases their work not worthy of being an A-side even though I highly doubt this band has released a seven-inch that wasn’t given away free. Even if the band could time-travel, it wouldn’t make this release worth more than a dime. I’d sit on a flagpole for a year before listening to this again.
Xurbia Xendless Limited
00:20-00:55 of “Reckoner”
With a song like “Reckoner” I was inadvertently lead to believe this would be a sweet hard rocking song. Boy was I wrong, the falsetto in this track is piercing enough to raise the question of whether Thom Yorke is 14-year-old schoolboy or some type of tropical bird. The music is that sort of cute, cut and paste crap that we’ve all come to expect from Radiohead – you know, the kind where you hit the piano like a 6-year-old and play guitar in a way that makes critics say words like “flutter.”
-- Thorin Klosowski
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