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5 genres we're forcibly killing right now

As we continue to look back on 2010, we are struck by how new labels for increasingly slippery kinds of music all sound like they were written by high freshman lit majors. Many of these attempts are merely useless, but some are worse than that: they wind up justifying shitty music with important-sounding labels. Today, we're doing our part by officially snuffing out a few worst offenders.

1. CHILLWAVE

Aliases: Glo-fi, Hypnagogic Pop,

Birth Date: March 20, 2007 Panda Bear releases Person Pitch

What it sounds like: Kids with Garage Band and Google Alerts for "soft rock OR 60s pop + bit torrent"

Cause of death: You can only make "Deadbeat Summer" once or twice in a year and the rest is coma-inducing. Turns out we can get sick of something more than irony in music: apathy.

Artists with Lifetime Achievement Awards in Chillwave: 1. Neon Indian 2. Washed Out 3. Memory Tapes

Three ways to describe Chillwave if you want to sound like an asshole: 1. Blissful 2. Nostalgic 3. Cool

Listen: "Run Out" by Memory Tapes

2. WITCH HOUSE

Aliases: Drag, Screwgaze, Haunted House, Rapegaze

Birth Date: May 13, 2010 Pictureplane tweets, "I invented witch house yo"

What it sounds like: Chillwave on harder drugs.

Cause of death: It was a joke, people. We refuse to be fed bullshit and talk about how good it tastes. Rapegaze gets thrown in here because it's basically the same thing: A band being called Witch House laughed and said, "Watch this."

Artists with Lifetime Achievement Awards in Witch House: 1. Modern Witch 2. ///▲▲▲ \\\ 3. oOoOO

Three ways to describe Witch House if you want to sound like an asshole: 1. True Real 2. Haunting 3. Avant-Garde

Listen: "Light Speed" by Modern Witch

3. WILL.I.AM

Birth Date: March 15, 1975 William James Adams is born.

What it sounds like: Vanilla club plagiarism.

Cause of death: "The Time (Dirty Bit)"

Artists with Lifetime Achievement Awards in will.i.am: 1. Black Eyed Peas 2. Usher 3. Fergie

Three words to describe will.i.am if you want to sound like an asshole: 1. Danceable 2. Fun 3. Catchy

Listen: "OMG" by Usher

 

4. HASHTAG RAP

Aliases: None known

Birth Date: November 2, 2010 Kanye West appears on Funkmaster Flex's show on Hot 97 and says, "Like, look at say the hashtag rap--that's what we call it when you take the 'like' or 'as' out of the metaphor. 'Flex, sweater red--firetruck.' Everybody raps like that, right?"

What it sounds like: Kanye pretty much got it: Say a line, then say a noun that sort of relates to something you said in the line.

Cause of death: It's the laziest rapping technique ever. Can't come up with something to rhyme? Just free associate until you land on something you can shoehorn in there.

Artists with Lifetime Achievement Awards in Hashtag Rap: 1. Drake 2. Nicki Minaj 3. Cam'Ron

Three ways to describe Hashtag Rap if you want to sound like an asshole: 1. Minimal 2. Post-Grammatical 3. Visceral

Listen: "Over" by Drake

5. DUBSTEP

Birth Date: WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP

What it sounds like: WOMP WOMP WOMP

Cause of death: WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP

Artists with Lifetime Achievement Awards in Dubstep: 1. WOMP 2. WOMP 3. WOMP

Three words to describe dubstep if you want to sound like an asshole: 1. WOMP 2. WOMP 3. WOMP

Listen: WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP


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