5 genres we're forcibly killing right now

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As we continue to look back on 2010, we are struck by how new labels for increasingly slippery kinds of music all sound like they were written by high freshman lit majors. Many of these attempts are merely useless, but some are worse than that: they wind up justifying shitty music with important-sounding labels. Today, we're doing our part by officially snuffing out a few worst offenders.

1. CHILLWAVE

Aliases: Glo-fi, Hypnagogic Pop,

Birth Date: March 20, 2007 Panda Bear releases Person Pitch

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What it sounds like: Kids with Garage Band and Google Alerts for "soft rock OR 60s pop + bit torrent"

Cause of death: You can only make "Deadbeat Summer" once or twice in a year and the rest is coma-inducing. Turns out we can get sick of something more than irony in music: apathy.

Artists with Lifetime Achievement Awards in Chillwave: 1. Neon Indian 2. Washed Out 3. Memory Tapes

Three ways to describe Chillwave if you want to sound like an asshole: 1. Blissful 2. Nostalgic 3. Cool

Listen: "Run Out" by Memory Tapes

2. WITCH HOUSE

Aliases: Drag, Screwgaze, Haunted House, Rapegaze

Birth Date: May 13, 2010 Pictureplane tweets, "I invented witch house yo"

What it sounds like: Chillwave on harder drugs.

Cause of death: It was a joke, people. We refuse to be fed bullshit and talk about how good it tastes. Rapegaze gets thrown in here because it's basically the same thing: A band being called Witch House laughed and said, "Watch this."

Artists with Lifetime Achievement Awards in Witch House: 1. Modern Witch 2. ///▲▲▲ \\\ 3. oOoOO

Three ways to describe Witch House if you want to sound like an asshole: 1. True Real 2. Haunting 3. Avant-Garde

Listen: "Light Speed" by Modern Witch

3. WILL.I.AM

Birth Date: March 15, 1975 William James Adams is born.

What it sounds like: Vanilla club plagiarism.

Cause of death: "The Time (Dirty Bit)"

Artists with Lifetime Achievement Awards in will.i.am: 1. Black Eyed Peas 2. Usher 3. Fergie

Three words to describe will.i.am if you want to sound like an asshole: 1. Danceable 2. Fun 3. Catchy

Listen: "OMG" by Usher


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