Mariah, Usher, Beyonce and 50 Cent? Not the MTV video music awards. Definitely not the Grammy's. No, these are all artists that were paid approximately one million dollars to perform for Muammar Qaddafi family functions. The Libyan ruler has been the leader of Libya since 1969, and judging by his recent pop star purchases, he and his family are enjoying every dime of his terrorized people's earnings.
Shame on you, Qaddafis. It's not the exorbitant spending itself that's tarnishing your legacy. It's more that you could have spent that sort of cash on some sweet, sweet shit. I mean, really, pop stars performing in your palace TV room? That must have all the acoustic charm of a port-a-potty. It's not enough that you're linked with terrorism. You're also guilty of crappy taste and poor money management skills. Next time you have a cool mill to blow? Call us. We can think of at list five better ways to
squander your fortune spend your money.
5. World's Most Expensive Coat
Although Libya is a desert, those massive, gaudy palaces can get a tad drafty. And what would look better than a warm one million dollar coat? Silke Waro's coat is made up of 7,541 original designer labels and is on display at a museum in The Netherlands. It may be a little snug for Muammar, but he could also use it to lure his sexy nurse back into his arms. Rumor is this blond, Ukrainian nurse split on the poor old fella and everyone knows the way to the heart of a woman is through expensive gifts. We're all pulling for ya, Tiger.
4. Lady Gaga's missing panties
Seven super high-end panties were lent (ewww!) to Gaga from Rigby and Pellar's high-end store, and only three of them made it back. Muammar is in hot water with his people and Obama right now, so maybe he could bribe Michelle with them -- she is quite the fashionista. It's evident she also has a ton of pull with the Prez and may just be able to convince Barack to shut the hell up and let Qaddafi run Libya just the way he wants... badly. These million dollar panties may just save your job, man. Look into it.
3. 775,193 downloads from I-Tunes
It would be one million, but those Apple assholes decided to up their prices by 29 cents. Since most pop stars lip-sync anyway, it will pretty much be the same experience. The Qaddafis could have just plugged an I-Pod into a docking station, hired a local to dance around with a wooden spoon and VOILA! They would enjoy some sweet Michael Jackson beats and since he kicked it a couple of years ago, this will allow him to live again. Thank you, Apple. Thank you.
2. Trash 50 Rooms Charlie Sheen-Style at the Plaza
Clearly Muammar likes to party Cali style, so why not go nuts and Charlie out. It cost Charlie Sheen $20 thousand to pay for his trashed hotel room for one night, and with the bankroll this terrorist has he can afford to terrorize The Plaza and its patrons for one fabulous evening or -- and this is preferable -- cause problems for fifty days. Being kicked out of office and Libya can be hard on a man; the egotistical asshole and his brood deserve a vacation.
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1. Pay off Dr. Evil
What better way to stay in power than save the world from a villain?!? Seriously, instead of spending Libyan's hard-earned money on Beyonce and Jay-Z, ensure their complete and utter safety from one of the most terrifying, diabolical minds of all time. Or you could just pay him to hang out; he has a video and some pretty sweet dance moves. And a dwarf. So that's cool.