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Dave Mustaine isn't gay, he's Christian

A long time ago, back in ancient Judea, there was a group of sanctimonious turds called Pharisees whose mission, as the moral authority, was to cram their oppressive values down the throats of everyone else. If you're familiar with the Bible, you'll know these guys; they were the ones who were so annoyed about Jesus calling out their hypocrisy that they went ahead and had him crucified. Pretty shitty move.

And so it's double-depressingly ironic that, some 2,000 years later, the people now filling the societal role of Pharisees are almost exclusively Christians. The only difference is, Christians don't even need any official capacity to be dickheads — even if you're, say, the washed-up, formerly satanist frontman of a goofy metal band, you can still get on your moral high horse and deride lifestyles you find offensive. Or at least you can if you're Dave Mustaine.

After pseudo-endorsing Rick Santorum — the only presidential candidate with a disgusting byproduct of anal sex named after him and a campaign based almost exclusively on virulent homophobia — Mustaine went into some depth on a Seattle radio show last week about whether or not he supports gay marriage. "I'm not gay," Mustaine elucidated, "so the answer to that would be no." And if it didn't really seem like the one thing necessarily followed the other there, his other explanation didn't offer much clarity, either: "I'm Christian."

Huh. Well, Dave Mustaine, that is interesting.

I mean, don't get me wrong: Mustaine is definitely a Christian. He's always maintained that Megadeth's popular association with satanist metal was unfounded, and there's some evidence to support that. Even on the band's debut album, songs like "Looking Down the Cross" (sample lyric: "Ask not for salvation/My deth shall mean their lives") carried some pretty overt Christian themes. Then again, Megadeth's second album featured lyrics like "I mangle their face till no features remain/A blade for the butchering, I cut them to shreds," so it's sort of understandable that the Parents Music Resource Council — the 1980s' most egregious group of family-values buttholes — took that allegedly positive message the wrong way. In fact, that very album was one of the first to get the "Parental Advisory" sticker, the decade's most enduring symbol of government-mandated censorship. Not surprisingly, Mustaine took issue with that. In fact, he dedicated "Hook in Mouth," from the band's very next album, to calling bullshit: "Freedom, it means nothing to me," he sang, "as long as there's a P.M.R.C." And so the plot thickens.

Because just as Mustaine is not gay, I'm not a metal musician who writes songs about "hacking up my victims into pieces of meat." In fact, I would go so far as to say that's a pretty offensively stupid-ass lyric. And yet...and yet I still support his right, in the face of the self-appointed moral authority, to write it and do what he does. You know, just like gay people should maybe have a right to do what they do.

But I guess nobody is safe from the righteous judgment of the moral authority. Not even the moral authority.


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