Eight acts we'd pay to not release a new record
The music industry has fallen upon hard times, and hard times call for innovation. Now, we don't know enough about the licensing difficulties behind streaming music, or the revenue share of digital downloads or any of that to suggest a business model based on how people want to listen to music these days (hint: we want it cheap, easy to find and available anywhere). But we do understand something else on a gut level. This:
This campaign has been going for less than two weeks. It has almost as many fans as Nickelback, arguably one of the biggest bands active in rock, and arguably one of the crappiest. See, the other side of love is hate, and for every million people that love a crappy, soulless hunk of shit like Nickelback, there are three million that would love to junk punch them -- and might be willing to pay for the privilege. With that in mind, here are the top bands and acts we'd pay the record companies NOT to release albums by.
8) Nickelback - You didn't think we were just using them as an abstract example, did you? We'd pay at least ten bucks each for a promise that Nickelback wouldn't release a new disc in the next five years, with the hope that people would snap to their senses by the time the deal expired.
7) Anyone associated with American Idol - Please, no more albums from the winners, the runners up or, god forbid, the novelty acts that they bring on in the first shows (we're still recovering from William Hung's Christmas album and we have nightmares about General Larry Platt's sure-to-come rap album). Just no more. Enjoy your TV show, let the "winners" sink into obscurity after the season and requisite tour is over, but for god's sake stop littering the earth with the shiny plastic containing their "music."
Note: This also covers Paula Abdul's eventual "comeback album." No, thank you.
6) Michael Bolton - The classic movie Office Space called him out as a "no-talent assclown" and really, what can we add to that? Just that we'd happily pony up to never hear another peep from the fucking guy.
5) Every Boomer nostalgia act - Every '60s and '70s nostalgia act that drags their dessicated carcasses on one final "last EVER!" tour every five or six years falls into this category: The Rolling Stones, the Eagles, the Who, et al. We don't begrudge them, or their fans, the chance to see them live, despite being mere shells of their former selves. We just wish they didn't feel obligated to release a new album to "tour behind" full of crappy, forgettable songs that serve primarily as a way to milk an extra ten bucks out of the fans (and give them a few songs they feel comfortable using as a bathroom break). No one wants to hear that shit, they want the hits and you know it. We'll pay you to stop recording, and you can just schedule in a couple of ten-minute bathroom breaks into the live set, okay?
4) Bon Jovi - Bon Jovi almost falls into the last category, but the band isn't quite a Boomer act and the ridiculous TV blitz (excuse me, "artist in residence program") deal with NBC warrants special mention. In brief, it was obnoxious, it sucked and it only made us want to switch the channel to ABC (good thing Lost is back). Look, the only thing anyone wants to hear from you is "Livin' on a Prayer" and maybe the occasional "Wanted Dead or Alive" so just be happy milking those, okay?
3) Any Disney-backed "artist" - Here's a radical concept: introduce your kids to good music instead of weaning them on these sanitized Disney bullshit acts. The fucking Jonas Brothers? Miley Cyrus? What is this shit? Surely you can find some tunes among your collection that don't have any naughty words in them. Make a mix for the kiddies and we'll bribe Disney to stop churning out this horrible shit.
2) Insane Clown Posse - Because frankly, the world has enough generic, noisy, misogynistic horror-themed clown rap already. We've long figured ICP was a bizarre conceptual joke and the creators would come clean, but they aren't going to do that as long as their mildly retarded fans keep buying endless iterations of the same three "songs" rerecorded and renamed. Let's pay them to stop the madness. Plus, that way they can focus on their professional wrestling careers. Music needs fewer homicidal clowns; pro wrestling definitely needs more.
1) Limp Bizkit - A year or so ago, they promised (threatened?) to come back with a new album and tour. Thus far it hasn't happened. We're happy to shell out some bucks to make sure it never, ever does.
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