Five more concert buzzkills
Noah Van Sciver
So a couple of weeks ago, we laid out what we thought was the complete compendium of the biggest concert buzzkills. Turns out, though, we left a number of entries out, and so with your direct input (Whiskey Bulldozer and Surf's Up), we went back to the drawing board, literally, and came up with five more concert buzzkills. Keep reading to see if you recognize any of the newbies and feel free to let us know if there's still some we missed. We're already planning another edition featuring the Human Metronome (genius!).
The Whiskey Bulldozer The aptly coined Whiskey Bulldozer mows through the crowd indiscriminately with an armful of drinks and a determined and unflinching gaze, splashing unsuspecting bystanders with brimming brews in an effort to renegotiate their spot, which, of course, has filled in during their absence. It's bad enough that you end up wearing their drink as they flatten everything in their path, but as often as not, by default, they usually end up spilling your drink, too -- without so much as an "excuse me" or even a token "my bad."
You don't see this one as often as some of the others, but when they surface, they're kind of hard to miss. These individuals typically launch themselves off the stage or climb all over you like a step ladder to foist themselves up, and then the next thing you know their butt's all up in your face whether you like it or not. When The Surfer catches a wave, It's best to pay attention as they ride it out, lest you clobbered upside the dome with a stray Doc Martin as they make land fall.
The Stoner This person tokes up in front of god and everybody, so brazenly that it seems as natural to them as breathing. While you will certainly see this individual at pretty much any show across the country, you're far more likely to come across The Stoner here, you know, where weed is legal now. Whereas elsewhere this individual might choose to be a little more discrete, here it's all puff, puff, give, Smokey, you're fucking up the rotation.
Dancing Machine You ever heard that bit about "dancing like nobody is watching"? Yeah, that isn't just a quaint saying for this person, it's a mantra. The Dancing Machine is generally harmless and often, in fact, brings a great sense of joy to everybody as someone expressing a seemingly lost sense of reverie. That admiration can quickly turn into irritation, though, when this individual gets a little too familiar or starts gyrating their business too close to your business.
The Dad Uptight with arms perpetually crossed, The Dad might be the biggest buzzkill of all. A curmudgeonly chap that easily could've compiled this list, he's so preoccupied with keeping track of what everybody else is doing and then being annoyed by their egregious behavior that he will probably never enjoy the show. If only everybody would get off his goddamn lawn already! Sheesh!
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