Five Signs That This Party Sucks

These are people who know the value of their free time.
These are people who know the value of their free time.
Aaron Thackeray

Free time is a precious commodity. Weekend warriors have a mere 48 hours to get as nasty as they wanna be, then it's a long, hot shower and another five days of money makin'.

No one wants to waste their Saturdays on shitty drinks in shitty environments. And there's nothing fun about wasting hundreds of dollars on a night that you'd rather forget. So here are five signs that this party sucks. If three or more of these triggers are set off by the spot your best friend just suggested, don't drop a dollar on a cover charge.

Everyone is a Baby
If you're under 21, you're probably all like, "Hey, what gives? I love all-ages clubs." Talk to us when you're 22, bb. You'll realize that everyone under 21 may as well be 12. You have absolutely nothing interesting to say. And everything you want to drink tastes like candied asshole. Most people older than 22 who want to hang out with people younger than 21 are creepy, and they are there to prey on your naiveté. Go to house parties and leave the club scene alone. For our good. And yours.

Five Signs That This Party Sucks
Aaron Thackeray

It Sounds Like the DJ Is Playing From Computer Speakers
Sound is paramount, but not everyone got the memo. It doesn't matter how hot your dancers are, how bright your lights, or how strong your drinks. If your bangers seep through the life-sized equivalent of a Fisher-Price My First Stereo System, real motherfuckers won't frequent your spot. You could seriously just have a dark room with nothing in it and a massive sound system that bumps clear highs and lows, and you've got a winner. Don't put yourself through a garbage listening experience. And for the record, just because it's loud doesn't mean it's good.

PhoneFest 2K15
This may be hard to avoid, but a crowd stuck on their screens is not a sweet hangout. If the music is bumpin' and the vibe is right, people won't worry about who's texting them or what time it is. That's the goal every time you walk into a party — to turn off the rest of the fucking world. If you walk into a place past midnight and most people are still standing around looking at their gadgets, that's a clear sign to run for the hills and never come back. It's always possible that it's just a bad night, but if you see this happening more than once at the same place, never return.

Five Signs That This Party Sucks
Aaron Thackeray

The Only Ladies in the Club Are Getting Paid to Dance
No one likes a sausagefest. If you walk into a room full of slobbering dudes staring at a dancing woman and it's not a strip club, things are going to get weird. It's not that women don't want to meet guys, but being the only group of ladies in a room of dogs can be a harrowing experience. As well, fellas notoriously like to hang out at parties with at least a 50/50 ratio. Or maybe that's too generous and they want to be, like, the only dude in the room. Either way, all guys at a party is not a good sign. Dip out, bruh.

It's About Everything but the Music
Unless you're just looking to get mollied out and lose your mind, music is key. Even if you are flying high on a drug cocktail that would make Hunter S. Thompson blush, the better the music, the better the experience. If a club is willing to shell out thousands for lighting, dancers, flashy shit they can stick to a champagne bottle, light-up bars that spin and make noise, laser beams that spell out the birthday girl's name and other trendy crap but they don't have the time to get a good DJ, local or otherwise...that place fucking sucks. Don't feed the troll that is shitty music venues. Do support those places that tirelessly book quality acts, even if they don't have all the finesse of a flashy party palace.


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