Introducing Ask Willie D, a brand-new advice column from legendary rapper Willie D
Willie D and the Geto Boys will be in Denver this Friday for a show at the Summit Music Hall. With that in mind, we could hardly think of a better time to introduce his weekly advice column. So starting today and continuing throughout the week, we'll be running a new installment of Ask Willie D every day, after which the column will begin appearing weekly in this space. Today Willie advises an adulterous pastor, among others.
Dear Willie D,
My boyfriend behaves like he grew up in the sticks. Well, actually, he did. He's from Pensacola, Florida, but he doesn't have to advertise it. He's a 36-year-old carpenter with a college degree, so you would think he'd know better. This is a man who leaves the seat up on the toilet, licks his fingers, blows his nose while sitting at the table for dinner and refuses to tip without being reminded.
His sister is my cousin's girlfriend, so that's how we met. But she is nothing like him, and he was certainly not like that when we met. His embarrassing antics are affecting our relationship. How do I get him to stop acting so uncivilized? I'm not planning on breaking up with him or anything; I just want to smooth out the rough edges.
What can you tell a 36-year-old grown man about manners that he hasn't already heard? His animal instincts seem to be on full display whenever he's in public. Have you considered donating him to the city zoo?
Maybe you should boycott going to restaurants or eating at the table with him until he's willing to behave more humanely. Because he does what he does out of habit, he can change.
In Asia, where many people eat with their hands, it's a sign of gratitude when you lick your fingers. It tells the host that you're enjoying your meal. But my Rome is America, and I can't stand to see people lick their fingers while eating. How much difference can slurping a gram of sauce off your index finger make to satisfying your hunger pains?
As irking as finger-licking is to me, it is absolutely disgusting to witness somebody blow his nose at the table, especially while I'm eating. Interestingly enough, I see this happening more often at fancy, expensive restaurants than at shabby ones in the 'hood. But what can you do about it?
As Jay-Z so eloquently put it, "You can pay for school but you can't buy class."
FALLING FOR MY FRIEND
Dear Willie D --
For the past five years, I've been trapped in the friend zone with my BFF. He is the sweetest, most handsome guy I know. He has always been there for me, and I have been there for him. We do everything together except have sex. We share some of the same friends, and they are always teasing us about how we should hook up, but we just laugh and blow them off.
You have no idea how bad I want to just walk up to him and plant a big wet one on his lips. The only thing keeping me from doing so is I'm afraid that being in an intimate relationship might jeopardize our friendship.
Also, if his feelings aren't mutual I would be crushed. I just broke up with my boyfriend and he's single, so I feel like it's now or never. But being a girl, I don't feel like it's ladylike for me to make the first move. From a guy perspective, if he liked me, wouldn't he have said so by now?
Dear, Falling --
If your friend wants to take your relationship to the next level, he has already indicated it. You just have to pick up on his body language. Being overly protective, jealous of other guys in your life and touchy-feely gestures when he's around you are all tell-tale signs that he could be interested in being your boyfriend.
If I thought there might be a chance for me to be with the woman I loved, I would take it. If I fail, I fail, but nobody will ever be able to say I didn't try. When I'm on my deathbed, if I have any regrets, let them be for the things I did, not for the things I wanted to do but didn't.
Go get your man!
PARANOID ADULTEROUS PASTOR
Dear Willie D,
I am a pastor who just returned from a spiritual retreat with my church and found myself in bed with a married member of my congregation. The whole time we were making love, I kept thinking about Deuteronomy 22:22 in the Bible, where it states, "If a man is found sleeping with another man's wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die."
I have asked for forgiveness, and since my God is a forgiving God, I am certain he will spare my life. However, I am not so sure my church member's husband is a forgiving husband, and I know my wife won't be forgiving. My wife is a very jealous and vengeful woman. If she found out about my infidelity, she would kill the woman and me or at the least try to assassinate my character and have me forced out of the church.
The incident took place two days ago, and the crazy woman has already sent me over fifty text messages talking about how good it was and how she misses me. She even had the gull to get defensive when she called and I told her I could not talk because I was with my wife. I hope my premonition is inaccurate, but I have a feeling this thing will implode at any moment. Accordingly, I am paranoid.
People usually come to me for advice, but I am stumped as to what to do in this case. If you were in my shoes, how would you handle it?
Your biggest problem is not what you did but who you are. I'm not saying it's right, but people cheat all the time, forgive one another and move on. In your case, because you are a man of the cloth and your profession is rooted in preaching the importance of values and morals, you're held at a higher standard. Accordingly, you are expected to have zero tolerance for temptation.
The way I see it, you have two viable options. You could take the player option, whereby you would go to the woman and say, "Look, although I enjoyed what happened between us, in the eyes of God, it was a mistake. You're a wonderful woman, but so is my wife. She doesn't deserve this, and neither does your husband. The text messages and calls have to stop. I'm sorry, and I hope we can continue to share the same church home." Reference God, sin and obedience whenever possible.
If she doesn't respond favorably, you may have to put your big-boy pants on and switch to option two, which would require you to man up and confess to your wife. Lay out all the details, throw up a Hail Mary and hope like hell she forgives you. This is risky, but not as risky as allowing crazy woman to tell her side of the story first, or you lying about it, because chances are she has evidence of the affair stored somewhere.
Now touch your neighbor and say, "It ain't worth it! I keep looking over my shoulder and peeping 'round corners - Hallelujah!"
TRICKING HIM INTO GETTING ME PREGNANT
Dear Willie D,
I want to have a baby from my guy, but he says he's not ready. He is a successful entertainer who I'm sure you know. I know he likes me, but I'm not sure if he loves me. He says he does, but I don't know. I know that I love him and we have great chemistry. He does have a child with another woman, but they are no longer together.
I told him that I was on the pill. At the time, technically I was, but that was six weeks ago. Since then, we have had unprotected sex several times, and now I'm pregnant. I know it's wrong to deceive him, but I have decided that I want his child. I know he will be upset with me, but in my heart I believe once the baby comes and it sinks in that he's the father, he will get over it and we will be one big happy family. If not, I'll just collect child support and raise my baby alone.
If a woman did you like that, would you be capable of forgiving her, and if so, what would she have to do to win you over?
Dear Tricking Him,
Why would you purposely lay up and have a baby from a man who you're not sure loves you? Why would you want his blood running through your child's veins? Don't answer that, it's rhetorical. Anything is possible, but the way I'm built, if a woman did me like that, I would be done with her.
I'm guessing he told you that he wasn't ready for a baby with you for a good reason. Maybe he has plans to be super-busy with his career over the next few years and he doesn't think he has enough time to give a new baby the attention it deserves. Then again, it could be he didn't want to get you pregnant because he didn't want the financial risks involved with having you as a baby mama.
In that case, he would be dead-on, because judging by your readiness to collect child support, it appears you're more interested in his money than his honey. Sad, but that's the world we live in. Enjoy your money -- that's if you can collect.
Ask Willie D anything at askwillied.com, and come back soon for more of his best answers.
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