Leave it to Jimmy Fallon to screw up a good thing

Somewhere around the second or third time you watch "More Cowbell" — possibly the greatest role of Christopher Walken's career — you will notice it: Jimmy Fallon, filling out a non-role as the drummer in the background, flubbing his one line and spending the whole time trying not to crack up, like he did in every single other skit he ever performed in on Saturday Night Live. And, as usual, he fucking ruins it. Once you notice his retarded chuckling in the background, you can never again fully enjoy one of the best skits SNL ever produced.

This is just one example of how much ass Jimmy Fallon sucks. He is a no-talent douchebag who was only on SNL because nobody else in the cast was attractive, and I hope his ice cream falls off his ice cream cone and lands in Australia, and he's stupid and I hate him. Seriously, though, it's mind-boggling that such a mealy-mouthed turd even has a career, and it's downright infuriating that he's the far superior Conan O'Brien's replacement. But more infuriating still is that through that show, he'll forever be affiliated with the Roots. Or — even worse — that the Roots will be affiliated with him.

Every time I hear the Roots — one of the most interesting, versatile, socially conscious hip-hop bands ever — referred to as "Jimmy Fallon's house band," a small part of me dies. The Roots have been around since 1987 and released ten albums before Jimmy Fallon even dared speak their name. Jimmy Fallon is a piece of shit whose most redeeming quality is that he wears excellent suits. If God had any mercy, the two would have no connection whatsoever. Nevertheless, at least the Roots are using Fallon's show to do something hilarious, because God knows nobody else is.

It speaks volumes that the high point of Fallon's interview with the so-psychotic-she-even-looks-psychotic "presidential candidate" Michele Bachmann last week came before Fallon even opened his stupid unfunny mouth: During Bachmann's walk-on, the part during which the band plays while the guest comes out and blows kisses to the crowd and shakes the host's hand, the Roots (led by drummer, producer and all-around genius ?uestlove) fired off one of the best musical burns ever by launching into the la-la-la intro of Fishbone's "Lyin' Ass Bitch." Bachmann, obviously not familiar with Fishbone's oeuvre, did not appear to be aware she was being insulted. Neither, for that matter, did Fallon.

As soon as everyone else figured it out, though, a shitstorm of humorlessness ensued. NBC pulled the walk-on video from its website. Jimmy Fallon, taking on an uncomfortably patronizing tone, tweeted that "@questlove is grounded." Oh, ha ha ha GOOD ONE JIMMY FALLON. But where the Roots proved themselves definitively to be totally out of Fallon's league was in having nothing to do with Fallon's half-assed apology: "I'm honored that @michelebachmann was on our show yesterday and I'm so sorry about the intro mess," he tweeted. "I really hope she comes back."

What a pussy. That was not a mess, it was a triumph. Then again, you can always count on Jimmy Fallon to fuck up a good thing.

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