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Six not-glamorous reasons people want to have sex with musicians

Tom Petty's skin looks like a fondue pot was poured over a haunted-house prop. If not for music, he'd be a very lonely man.
Tom Petty's skin looks like a fondue pot was poured over a haunted-house prop. If not for music, he'd be a very lonely man.
Press photo

Recently, Business Insider published the results of a study that purports to prove why women want to enter the bone zone with musicians. The article summarizes research from the University of Sussex, and there are a few glaring omissions that make it useless to the general population. Aside from basically stating that it's "some sort of biological thing," the article fails to take into account some of the obvious reasons why creative individuals and other attention vacuums are attractive as short-term sex partners.

The study also sucks, because it leaves dudes completely out of the equation. Maybe its authors think it's a given that guys want to screw anyone who's marginally cool or interesting (or horrible and boring).

Lucky for you, there are experts out there who are willing to explore these issues and state the hard-hitting facts without consulting nerdy, wallflower scientists. Below, we bless you with six reasons why all people are programmed to lust over musicians.

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Press Photo
Look at this guy. He looks like a desperate trophy wife trying to seduce you with a Jacuzzi and blackberry brandy. And yet the ladies love him.

6. Musicians Will Have Sex With You

We all do a lot of pretty dumb things for attention, locked as we are in the eternal struggle to think well of ourselves. So, alas, there are plenty of people who use being an artist as an accessory, in the same way you might see greasy, insecure bags of shit speeding down residential neighborhood streets in their $40,000 cars. Many musicians bleed and ooze this same insecurity in every self-absorbed interaction.

That, my friends, means they will probably have sex with you. They're easy targets.

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Press Photo
Buzz from the Melvins once called Ozzy a buck-toothed mummy, and he wasn't wrong. And yet Ozzy has had sex at least enough times to produce two horrible children.

5. People Are Impressed by Things They Can't Do

There's this mind-numbingly simple concept that the entire world seems mystified by: If you want to do something, you have to try to do it. But because people are so reluctant to embrace their fear of failure or of looking stupid, most people do nothing themselves. Instead, they idolize and impart some sort of magical values on people who do the things they wish they were doing.

Example: According to 2013 figures from the National Institute of Mental Health, 5.3 million people report having a social phobia. A miserable, marginally talented jobber stands up on a stage and displays something personal, transforming him into a demigod as powerful as Gozer the Gozerian for millions of people. Only instead of destroying the world, he gets laid sometimes.

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Joshua Todd
Just kidding. Nobody wants to have sex with the guy from Buckcherry.

4. Other People Might Want Them

When you find out someone finds someone else irresistible, you instantly start to picture the recipient's genitals wearing a pair of dark sunglasses with a pubic-hair pompadour. Is it a perverse biological urge that does it, or has the media trained us all to fall in love with the idea of conflict? Either way, being a musician is a numbers game. Musicians are in front of more people, so there's a better chance of someone falling in love with them from afar. And as one falls, they all fall.

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Manuel Lino
Actually, people would probably want to have sex with Peter Steele regardless. Because he rules.

3. Music Is Kind of Cool or Something

Okay, let's acknowledge for a moment that there are actually people out there who are legitimately into music, intellectually and socially, and have an innate desire to connect with it on any level. This means that naturally, they'll be attracted to people who are involved with their real true love: a bunch of stupid art. As such, they end up with all the stupids that come with it.

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Morgan Tepsic
File under "old, racist Russell Brand."

2. Self-Promotion

Just as some people chase music journalists with the idea that their band is going to achieve some sort of elevated status because of an article, there are people who chase hometown heroes with the idea of advancing their clothing line, poetry or even worse: their own musical endeavors. These people are cultural cockroaches, scattered across dirty, yellowed floors, nibbling minor crumbs before making their way to the upper echelons -- the cupboards of culture, where they feast upon your name-brand cereals and local darlings. Then they get to talk about it and remind you of their perceived value as they corner you near the bathroom of a bar, neurotically swirling their drink as they stretch their gross little lips, babbling forever.

These are among the worst people on the planet; be wary of them.

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Miss-Sophie
Remember, this man is an international sex symbol. There is only one explanation for that.

1. For Free Stuff

Maybe people want free Hello Kitty PalmPilots or beer or drugs or something. I don't know, but that sounds about right. People are pretty dumb.

Truth be told, I actually don't want to have adult relations with many musicians (aside from maybe Fiona Apple and members of Girlschool), so this is a bunch of speculative hogwash. Why would anyone want to give their precious nether parts to such shallow and transparent people? After all, 99 percent of those making any sort of art are horrible at it, so you should probably be ashamed of swinging your hips toward anything less than the next Freddie Mercury.

But you shouldn't waste your time with them, either. If an artist is sincerely gifted, he'll probably just cheat on you with one of the other thousands of people who adore him. Duh.

Follow Drew Ailes on Twitter at @CountBakula.

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