Ten more (un)likely signings for Cash Money
Cash Money Records, the label founded by Bryan "Baby/Birdman" Williams in 1991, rose to prominence in the hip-hop scene with its signing of the Hot Boys, consisting of B.G., Young Turk, Lil' Wayne and Juvenile. Since then, the group has become one of rap's premier labels, having piggybacked Lil Wayne's meteoric rise to fame thanks to Wayne and Birdman's father-son-like relationship. The imprint recently made headlines with the head-scratching signings of Limp Bizkit and Paris Hilton (?!), which got us thinking: Who's next? Continue on for a list of ten (un)likely candidates to join Cash Money's roster.
10. Kevin Federline
Birdman: chronic hand-rubber. One look at the opening scenes of Kevin Federline's one and only single, "Lose Control," reveals that he, too, loves to rub his hands together. But this is not merely a gangstafied tick; how else do you think K-Fed and Birdman generate the heat to create such fire in the studio? These two titans of personality recognize habitual hand-rubbing as one of many characteristics of greatness, and for that reason, they are already soul mates.
9. Ja Rule
After signing fellow annoying-voiced, out-of-fashion rapper Mystikal, the next logical step (that is, following the path of absolute illogic) would be to sign the insufferable Ja Rule, if not for his ability to over-rely on sweet as saccharine duets, at least so that somebody on the imprint will have a more embarrassing beef record than Lil Wayne.
Who are the five best rappers of all time? Think about it. Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan and Dylan. Because he spits hot fire. He's not simply a Chappelle's Show character, and he sure as hell isn't a sugar cookie getter. He's still making music today and is a self-described free agent. Birdman would be wise to sign him before he goes off the market.
7. Rich Boy
Rich Boy combines all the characteristics in a rapper that Cash Money are looking for: the (hopefully) self-fulfilling prophesy richness of his name, as well as the strange fixation with youth that all these Lil/Young/Boy rappers have. And that's pretty much it. But what else do you need? That exact strategy worked for Young Money. Rich Boy got famous once with production that far outmatched his rapping abilities. Who's to say he can't do it again?
6. Allen Iverson
Allen Iverson can't get a high-profile job in the NBA. Cash Money is desperately reaching for gimmicks that will keep them relevant. It's like a match made in heaven. Besides that, A.I. (aka Jewelz) is actually a decent rapper, probably better than a few on the Cash Money roster currently. Just once he signs, don't expect him to practice. We talking about practice, man. What are we talking about? Practice?
5. Soulja Boy
Nobody was really sure in the first place how Soulja Boy became relevant in spite of his almost non-existent rap skills -- just like nobody's really sure how Lil' Wayne's managed to keep selling hundreds of thousands of the copies of the crap he's now putting out. With their powers combined, they can probably con the game out of millions of dollars for years to come. Can you imagine them doing videos together? I'd watch 'em, and I'd have no idea why.
4. MC Hammer
Now that Lil' Wayne can no longer rap, he must expand his arsenal as an entertainer. He tried getting into rock music and failed spectacularly. Then he tried skateboarding, but that was just a stupid idea to begin with. The answer has always been there, though he's resisted it. You gotta dance, Weezy. With dancing comes mad props, and with mad props comes entertainment. It doesn't matter how bad you rap if you can do the Running Man.
3. Vanilla Ice
"Bling, bling" may be on the way down, but Cash Money could revive it if they approach it from another, more suburb-friendly angle. Sign Vanilla Ice and launch a new jewelry brand, "Ice, Ice Baby." And if that doesn't work, repackage it as gum. And if that doesn't work, try sports drink. Seriously, the avenues you could travel with that song are endless.
2. Chris "Birdman" Andersen
Just think of it as brand consolidation. By signing Chris Andersen, any time anybody so much as thinks the words "bird" and "man" in the same sentence, Cash Money will immediately come to mind. And with Andersen becoming a national figure during the Heat's run for their second NBA championship in as many years, the timing is perfect.
1. Backstreet Boys
Love for the backstreet boys has not died; it has merely become latent, resting like an unwatered seeds in the bellies of now adult women for almost ten years. Package them right, and Backstreet will be back again, as grown men, distinguished, more able to woo women with their aged good looks, distinguished gray hairs and stock portfolios. They will never die, even as the Backstreet Seniors. Old women need love, too.
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