Ten tunes to play when you're getting laid
Like attack ads during election season, the jewelry commercials are set to overdrive. Rose prices have gone up, like, one billion percent. Everywhere you look, it's all pink and red and hearts. Yep, V-Day is upon us. You know what that means, right? It means that after you get all that sappy sentimental crap out of the way, you'll be getting it on like a love-starved sailor on weekend leave. And if you happen to get lucky, you're going to need a sultry soundtrack to consummate your love. Lucky for you, we've compiled a very special playlist (or p-laidlist, if you're nasty) just for you based on the type of listener you are, whether you're a hipster or a juggalo. Keep reading for our list of salacious ditties to slip on to your hookup playlist.
Hipsters: TV on the Radio - "Lover's Day"
You hipsters have some seriously high standards when it comes to the music to which you like to bang. That said, "Lover's Day," by TV on the Radio, won't let you down. Bonus: With its long instrumental interlude mid-song, it won't be distracting while wining and dining your special friend. This epic hipster song feels a little obvious, but it promises to get you so high that your faces melt off. Of course, we know you're actually too cool to participate in this man-made holiday, but just create a heart out of PBR cans; you won't regret it.
Monsters: Lady Gaga - "Highway Unicorn"
Okay, little monsters, we know that this day can be a little challenging for you because getting undressed from your ridiculous V-Day attire may be almost impossible. But this song will go well with all the unbuckling, unstrapping and all the getting past your severe self-esteem issues. Any song with unicorns will inspire you both to share your deepest feelings for each other, and after you're done, you can spend the night looking at the "best of Gaga" and giggling your stalker asses to sleep.
Juggalos: Insane Clown Posse - "Another Love Song"
There have been a lot of rumors around town that Juggalos are going out of style and/or that they are assholes, but, hey...assholes or not, you guys have the right to get freaky on Valentine's Day, too. Our suggestion is to put on this sweet, sweet "love" song while you and your partner put on your clown makeup. There's nothing more romantic than clowns, right?
The Taylor Swift Stalker: Taylor Swift - "Love Story"
Taylor Swift has written a crapton of songs about her breakups, but what if you aren't a miserable, skinny billionaire? What if you're happy in love and want to share that love with your partner? Put this song on, fellas. (We're addressing the fellas here, because if you're a lady and play this for your crush, he may file a restraining order.) Chicks, on the other hand, will eat up this sugary-sweet fairytale like Pixy Stix. Just please wear a condom. They come in Swift-friendly colors.
Goths: London After Midnight - "Love You to Death"
This dark and twisty song is perfect for the true goth. It has a Nine Inch Nails flavor that inspires bondage and dirty, kinky sex. It's full of pain, death, tears, fears, etc. -- you know, all that love is. Also, we're not quite certain how comfortable you'll be with seeing "inside" someone, but it seems right up your goth alley.
Dead Heads: The Grateful Dead - "Sugaree"
Dead Heads are all about free love, and "Sugaree" is not only played in Sancho's on a nightly basis, but it's something all true Dead Heads have in their collections. We know you have 400 live versions of this song on your dead-friendly iPods, so pick your favorite. Plus, since this song (live) lasts for about two hours, you can have sex, get high, eat and go for round two all before the second version comes on.
Gangstas: Notorious Big - "Me and My Bitch"
To the true gangsta lady, "bitch" is a term of endearment. Don't be ashamed, fellas. You can be hard on the streets but a softie in the bedroom. Your bitch will thank you, and you will thank us in the morning. You're welcome.
Pop Lovers: Katy Perry - "The One That Got Away"
Because people who love Top 40 seem to always have some big romantic dilemma, we thought this lost-love song would light up pop lover's hearts. Of course, you can't just stick this song on the stereo and hope for the best; this one must be watched. Not only does it show two people in love, but also it has a little Johnny Cash thrown in, and everyone loves tatted-up rich old bitches...as long as there's some Johnny Cash.
'80s Lovers: Berlin - "Take My Breath Away"
This song is in Top Gun, which is the most awesome '80s movie ever made. If your date was alive in the '80s, chances are good he or she has definitely had sex to this song. Light a candle, put on some mirrored shades, and get the party started! It's a sure thing. (Just steer clear of quotes like "I feel the need...the need for speed." Quickness is not a positive here.)
Emo Lovers: Dashboard Confessional - "Stolen"
Emo lovers are, by definition, not interested in music without sincere and deep meaning, and "Stolen" is dramatic and the perfect song to cuddle to. To be clear: It's not that we think true emo lovers prefer snuggling, but we imagine that you'll be far too busy analyzing what Dashboard means by "sleep well" to have the time to actually have sex.
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