In honor of the upcoming Super Bowl, and AFC CHAMPIONS the Denver Broncos, we want to take a timeout to reflect on the strange phenomenon of professional athletes making the decision to test whether their athletic prowess transfers to a career in music. While we are not saying that athletes are one-dimensional and can't have other talents, the following five examples are proof that sometimes, they do not.
5. Deion Sanders - "Must be the Money"
Deion Sanders is arguably the best two-sport athlete of all time, having successful careers as both a football and baseball player. This means that "Prime Time" had double the income of your average athlete and decided to tell us all about it on this 1994 song. The structure is basically Sanders singing in a monotone delivery about all of the things he spends money on while back up singers repeat the line "must be the money" ad nauseam. It is over four minutes long but you get the point within the first minute. We get it, man, you're rich...but are you happy? Are you, Deion...are you?
4. LaDainian Tomlinson - "LT Slide Electric Glide"
In his career Tomlinson was a five-time Pro Bowler who earned two rushing titles. For a running back with such excellent footwork, however, he sure did pick some pretty remedial dance steps to showcase in "LT Slide Electric Glide (da Music Video)." The dance and the accompanying video is like going to the roller rink on acid, complete with flashing lights, strange characters and an impending sense that you'll never be able to escape. It is so bizarre that it was once rumored that it was created by Tim and Eric of "Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job." Updated: Though for a while viewers thought that Tomlinson's attempt was in earnest, the San Diego Union-Tribune reported that the "'Electric Glide' originally was designed to be a Nike commercial and was shot before training camp in 2007." Just because it was a joke, we say it's not too late for the "Electric Glide" to become a club phenomenon.
3. The Super Boys featuring Troy Aikman - "Oklahoma Nights"
Somewhere along the line Troy Aikman, who played his entire career for the Dallas Cowboys, thought it would be a good idea to get some football buddies together, put on dopey hats and sing about being actual cowboys. The result was The Super Boys. The song "Oklahoma Nights" starts with the cringe-worthy line "Driving down 66 in this ol' pickup truck and your memory..." The Super Boys' only album, Everybody Wants to be a Cowboy, currently retails on Amazon for $0.01. Tack on shipping and handling and it quickly gets massively over-priced.
2. Doug Flutie and the Flutie Brothers Band - Everything
Doug Flutie is most famous for throwing a Hail Mary against Miami in 1984, securing the win for Boston College in the Orange Bowl. He also made a cereal called Flutie Flakes with proceeds going towards autism awareness in honor of his son. By all accounts, Flutie is a pretty cool guy, and a talented enough musician that he still joins the Boston College pep band on drums at home games. That doesn't mean The Flutie Brothers, who play "classic rock hits of the '70s and '80s from such artists as Lynyrd Skynyrd, Boston, and Rod Stewart" are any less than insufferable. Does the world really need another broey, cock-rock band playing bad covers to frat dudes and bachelorette parties, even if a portion of the proceeds go to autism research as well? "Aw, come on," you say. "They're just having fun!" Well, we are not having fun, Flutie, and that's more important.
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SHOW ME HOW
1. Terry Bradshaw - "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry"
Here, the former Steelers Quarterback and current analyst covers a country classic by Hank Williams to tell us just how lonely being a football star can be. Unfortunately, we've got news for you, Bradshaw...actually, this is pretty great. His voice is silky smooth and his eyes are like two crystal pools of water in magical kingdom in the clouds far beyond the proverbial end zone. Kinda makes you think about what this all means. Goddamn it, Terry, you got us again.