The Rides of Riot Fest, Ranked

The Rides of Riot Fest, Ranked
Aaron Thackeray

Riot Fest is bringing some loud bands along with the spirit (and hay) of May Farms to Sports Authority Field parking lot this weekend. It also comes with a carnival complete with games and rides. This could have been our only chance to ever ride a Ferris Wheel while a punk band played a few hundred yards away, so we decided it would be disservice if we didn't ride all the rides and rank them. So, on Saturday afternoon in a lull between Dum Dum Girls and Taking Back Sunday, we did just that.

See also: The bands of Riot Fest, day one

The Rides of Riot Fest, Ranked
Isa Jones

5. Ferris Wheel Ferris Wheels are always overrated. It is the kind of ride where you see it and immediately have the urge to ride it, only to find yourself bored, stuck in a metal cage for too long and suddenly re-aware of your vague fear of heights. The one at Riot Fest had a long line, was slow, and besides providing a cool view of the area (and most of West Denver) was not worth the $5 ticket price.

Rating: 1 out of 5 power chords.

The Rides of Riot Fest, Ranked
Aaron Thackeray

4. Moby Dick Moby Dick (where you just go up and down at various speeds) is really fun for about thirty seconds, and then you realize the ride is just going to keep doing the same thing and your view of the stage isn't as cool as you thought it would be and you are feeling nauseous. At least the slight stomach drop provides more excitement than the Ferris Wheel.

Rating: 1.5 out of 5 power chords

The Rides of Riot Fest, Ranked

3. The Spinny Ride next to the Tornado This ride probably has a name, but it wasn't clearly marked, so let's just call it "Spinny." We're calling it that because it goes in a circle. Also, you are raised and lowered, and at one point you go backwards. It's simple and perfect and hilariously fun. Rating: 3 out of 5 power chords  

The Rides of Riot Fest, Ranked
Aaron Thackeray

2. Tornado Tornado squeaks by Spinny only because it provides extra spin. Not only does the ride go around in a circle and is raised and lowered, but you can spin your individual group seat as much as you'd like. Plus, the open air seating and "safety" bar adds a level of "Is this how I die?" -- a necessity for any true carnival ride.

Rating: 4 out of 5 power chords

The Rides of Riot Fest, Ranked
Isa Jones

1. Flippy Spinny Ride Again, this ride most likely has a name, but after the other four we were too disoriented to look. We'll call it Flip. On Flip, you are loaded into a tight carriage that makes alarming squeaks and clanks and smells vaguely of vomit. Then you are sent in a steep vertical spin (one big flip, really) at an uncomfortably slow speed, causing your metal box of death to flip as the momentum throws it up and down. It was the perfect ratio of fun to terrifying and the sounds of Riot Fest to faded in and out as you flipped, creating the ideal amount of disorientation for a ride.

Rating: 5 out of 5 power chords

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