The ten things rock stars do to try to remain relevant when their stars start to fade
We all have to make a buck, and musicians are absolutely no different. When their music careers start to fade, they still have to pay the bills. And with the endless parade of also-rans appearing on Celebrity Apprentice, we are continually reminded just how low some will go to keep their name in the headlines. Some are clearly shrewder than others. Here's a look at the ten things rock stars do to try to remain relevant.
10. Reality television No other show can compare to Celebrity Apprentice; good ol' comb-over has (temporarily) employed washed-up musicians such as: Meat Loaf, LaToya Jackson, Lil John, Bret Michaels and Cindy Lauper. Sure, we are watching just to see how sad their lives have become, and we know they say the proceeds all go to charity, but come on...we all know they receive some financial gain from the publicity.
9. Finding Jesus After an artist's musical career goes bust, the only person who seemingly still loves him/her is the J-Dawg. So why not sell out to him and either perform his music or preach on his behalf? After all, considering the sinning some musicians commit during their fifteen minutes of fame, it's no surprise that some feel compelled to rock out the rest of their lives by nuzzling up to the big guy. MC Hammer, for example, decided that his way was the way of God.
8. Creating a brand Most celebrities are smart enough to brand themselves while the iron is still hot, but some try to step into the product-slinging spotlight well after their music careers are over. Queen Latifah (we love her) isn't really chart-topping anymore, so she decided to get some fashion love on HSN. Chili of TLC, meanwhile, has her own handbag line and hawks fitness videos and products. Paula Abdul had her hand in the HSN bag as well, but apparently the network canceled her shit due to low sales and the fact that she can't be trusted to be comprehensible on camera.
7. Marrying up The easiest way, as a musician, to keep some money in your bank account is to marry up. A perfect example of this is Victoria Beckham. Beckham made her millions as a Spice Girl but quickly realized those bitches were going nowhere, so she married the "ab-ulous" David Beckham. Not only did she up her fashion game by marrying this famous soccer star, but she's now like royalty or some shit. Ridiculous and brilliant.
6. Selling their music There may be nothing worse than hearing your favorite song used for a commercial; this betrayal (yes, it is a betrayal) kills all of us at one time or another. And a crap-ton of musicians have licensed their music to shill various products. The list of sellouts includes: the Rolling Stones, Green Day, Madonna, the Beatles, Johnny Cash, Bill Withers, the Cars and Robert Palmer. The list goes on and on, but it's hard to type over the tears.
Let's just say, there's a reason this dude is wearing shades.
5. Getting horrifying plastic surgery We understand that this takes money, but these ex-celeb musicians seem to think that getting some terrifying plastic surgery will, in some way, revamp their careers and...they are wrong. Case in point: Gene Simmons. His ugly mug is almost as bad as his ridiculous attitude, but to be fair, it's probably tough to age with anything resembling grace when you can list "fire-breathing demon that bled from the mouth" as a career.
4. Having kids and trying to make them stars Washed-up musicians are all about grooming their offspring to take over the family business. Let's take Wolfgang Van Halen, for instance: We know his dad is a wackadoodle, so it's no shock that Eddie encouraged his offspring to not only be a musician, but to play as a bassist in Van Halen. We also have Will Smith's hair-swinging baby Willow.
3. Doing Playboy We think that '80s stars may have the market on Playboy covers; maybe these ladies graced the pages of the most respectable nudie mages because it was in their contracts? Or maybe the ladies of the '80s just like sticking their titties on the glass (yes, we're looking at you, Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, Belinda Carlisle and Vanity).
2 Live Luke for President.
2. Going into politics Musicians know all too well what it means to play to a crowd, so it just makes sense that they would go into politics. Honestly, out of all the categories, this one makes the most sense. Think about it: They still get to be on a stage, enjoy the adoration of fans, engage periodically in sordid trysts -- and, best of all, they never have to explain any of their actions! The kissing-babies part might be a smidge weird, but these ex-rock stars have kissed plenty of ass, so I'm sure they can adjust.
1. Going into acting "COME ON! Feel the vibration! Feel it! Feel it!!" Mark Wahlberg is one of the most famous musician-gone-actors, and it makes us warm and tingly to watch him now and think, "We totally remember your stone-washed pants, Marky Mark." A lot of musicians try to go into acting, and few things give us more joy than watching the lame transformations some of these bygones have undergone just to try to extend their careers past CDs.
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