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"Theres only nine hot girls in this whole thing": Quotes overheard at Gathering of the Juggalos

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Nate "Igor" Smith

During the Gathering of the Juggalos, Cave-In Rock, Illinois becomes a sonic disaster zone. Even if you're a rap lover, it's hard to keep your mind sharp with all of the noise. But within the cacophony of sounds, a few incredible Juggalo statements were somehow deciphered and recorded by our numbed ears. The things these people said may not make a ton of sense, but when you are surrounded by a constant thundering bass drum, the maniacal shouting of "whoop, whoop," and the occasional dynamite explosion in the distance...you probably wouldn't make a whole lot of sense, either.

See also: The Gathering of the Juggalos: Misconceptions and first Impressions from Cave-In-Rock

"Oh shit, Metallica!" [starts headbanging]

- One way to be sure that you're at the Gathering is that the Black Album by Metallica is always playing. And no one seems disappointed.

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Nate "Igor" Smith
A juggalo with a "drug bridge" T-Shirt at the Gathering.

"Its synthetic acid. It's from Canada. I wont sell you more than two hits."

- Three sketchy kids wearing gym shorts were sitting outside of a tent with a sign that read, "$10 TRIP YOUR FACE OFF" and said this to us. They claimed to be selling a hallucinogen called 2CB. After hearing reports the next day of multiple overdoses on a drug called 25i (also called N-Bomb, a derivative of 2CB), this encampment mysteriously disappeared. They also offered us a money back guarantee.

See also: Death at the Gathering of the Juggalos: "Four dudes that had been sleeping with a corpse."

"This port-a-jon smells like shit!"

- Shouted by a kid with a wiry frame with homemade tattoos. He yelled at a dude asleep on the ground a few minutes later and was surprisingly effective at getting him up.

"Girl, I would break your neden."

- Said by a kid so young it is difficult to believe he is aware he has a penis. If you're anything like me, you had no idea what "neden" was but picked up on it using context clues pretty quickly.

"Where did my dick go?"

- Only a small piece of garbled nonsense to come from a Juggalo swaying back and forth near a Port-a-John.

"You don't know what a cheeseburger is? Oh my god, they're the best."

- Some girl said this to someone else in a tent we were passing by, I swear to god.

"Im illin' and chillin' with my guts all over the ceiling."

"We're scrubs so we always get the bone."

- Two sets of memorable lyrics from stage performers

"I don't know, I think Whitney Houston should have died."

- Source unknown

"I don't know if you know or care, but do not take the acid."

- Heard from a conversation being held in a golf-cart while passing

"Do not take anything called 'spice' -- that's bath salts."

- From an unnamed associate

"You can take mushrooms and eat acid just as long as you don't have any glass bottles."

- Security at the front gate

Quotations from the Gathering continue on the next page. 

"Someone died and now she's getting the fuck out of here."

- Random Juggalo wearing a cape

"I accept Jesus into my heart."

- Three people praying near the "From Juggalo to Christian" tent by the entrance

See also: Gathering of the Juggalos: Misconceptions and First Impressions

"Theres only nine hot girls in this whole thing."

"You smell that shit? You almost throw up. That coke -- its almost like molly."

- Two quotes from a group of guys we tried to trade a tallboy of Budweiser to after a short-lived attempt to see what we could barter up to from a beer. We quickly found out that no one had anything worth trading.

"Fuck your camera -- this is for us, not you."

- Yelled from a tent to a photographer

"This is a synthetic drug. It should act like a normal drug -- then people started reacting poorly."

- Random Juggalo

"Oh shit, it leaked down my leg."

- Random Juggalo

[chanting] "Pan-ty sniff-ers! Pan-ty sniff-ers! Tell you what, he said he'll put on the thong and let you smell it."

- Yelled through a megaphone by a large man wearing a sleeveless black work shirt

"I landed on my belly and just started slidin'. Then the four wheeler hit me in the back."

- A sunburned man in his forties to a sunburned man in his twenties

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"Have you seen how they clean these things? They just open a door and blast a hose."

- Random Juggalette, on the condition of the bathrooms

"Fuck him in the ass with a Sharpie for fifteen dollars!"

- Spoken through a megaphone like a carnival barker in an attempt to get some poor kid enough money to get back to Maine. Minutes earlier, he was taking a kick to the testicles for five dollars.

See also: The Gathering of the Juggalos Brings Out Foam and Fireworks on Day 4 (NSFW)

"I got some serious shit -- hand sanitizer will save your life. You'll get Gathering-itus."

- One shirtless Juggalo to another

"Hey are you really trippin'? [Waves hands in kid's face]

- Some asshole with no courtesy for people on mind-bending journeys through space and time

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Nate "Igor" Smith
"I'm gonna rape your mother if you don't buy our drugs"

- Yelled over a megaphone by a kid with a heavy amount of facial tattoos who had been stapling dollar bills to himself and later cut off at least one of his nipples for $80. (It is actually this guy! --ed.)

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Nate "Igor" Smith

"Smoking a blunt on the ferris wheel is the shit!"

- Exclaimed by the happiest person ever seen on the planet

"I'm about to be twerkin'"

- Unknown female voice

"Does anybody wanna buy this megaphone for fifty dollars?"

- Shouted through a megaphone

"Why do I do anything? Fuck life."

- Me, after days at an ICP festival

See also: On the Third Day, the Gathering of the Juggalos Created a Sweet Winnebago (NSFW)





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